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The Day the Internet Died

In January, a federal court struck down net neutrality requirements that had been put in place by the FCC in 2010. That was strike one.

Then, just a few weeks ago, the FCC announced their intent to allow companies to buy preferred (faster, more responsive) access to the internet. Strike two.

This started a huge argument. On one side were companies like Verizon and Comcast who stand to profit greatly from the death of net neutrality, and who naturally claim that net neutrality is just an innovation-killing government regulation. On the other side are companies and individuals who benefit from a free and open internet, and who claim that net neutrality is important to preserve the internet we know and depend on.

So MIT looked into it and issued a report, and what they found was frightening to say the least. They talked to venture capital firms to see how the new regulations might affect them. Ironically even though these new regulations have not yet gone into effect, VC firms said that they have already stopped funding startup internet firms because if the new regulations go into effect they will significantly impact the potential profitability of many internet startups.

It is bad when strike three happens even before the pitcher throws the ball.

UPDATE: Over 150 major internet companies have sent a letter to the FCC asking that they protect net neutrality rules.

UPDATE2: An Internet Hosting Provider takes the maxim that turnabout is fair play, and throttles FCC access to their sites to the speed of a dial-up connection. They point out that while this sounds outrageous, this is exactly what the FCC is proposing. Naturally, if the FCC wants to pay them for faster access, they will gladly provide it to them.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is in Japan. He’s over there visiting the Benihana Training Institute.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is out of the country. Vice President Joe Biden is out of the country. And you know what happens then. They turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton made news this week, when she said that older women can still make a difference in politics. Even her supporters said, ‘Oh my God, just say you’re running already!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“More than 70,000 people will travel to Indianapolis this weekend for the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association. The weekend will feature a brunch, a gun raffle, and no sudden movements.” – Jimmy Fallon

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By the Numbers

Howard University Radio
© WHUR

What do Republicans have to say about this? Benghazi!

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Late Night Political Humor

“While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It’s like the White House version of ‘Freaky Friday’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is in Japan today. They showed him a robot developed by Honda that can kick a soccer ball. It’s cute watching the president interact with a prototype that will one day enslave us all, isn’t it? ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That’s a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare.” – David Letterman

“Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular…at first.” – Seth Meyers

“Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. It’s in The Washington Post newspaper. A newspaper is like a blog except everything is from yesterday.” – Craig Ferguson

“Controlling the weather would be great because L.A. is so dry right now. Our rainfall is lower than Obama’s approval ratings. It’s lower than the Lakers winning percentage. It’s lower than CNN’s ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise’s foot stool. Lower than the box office for that new Johnny Depp movie.” – Craig Ferguson

“Lasers that control the weather are hard to explain. Basically they hit the cloud and create nitric acid particles that bind water molecules to create condensation nuclei. I hope that clears it up for you.” – Craig Ferguson

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Guns and Roses

I believe the US Constitution guarantees the right to own guns, but it definitely does not guarantee the right to incite violence. And that is the problem with the pro-gun industry in this country. They are using fear and lies to satisfy their own greed.

The NRA used to be about hunting, but their original market started shrinking. Just fifteen years ago, 46% of gun owners said that they owned a gun in order to hunt, but this number has dropped to 32%. So the gun sellers found a new market to expand into, and they worked hard to make it bigger. Their efforts have paid off. In the same fifteen years, the number of gun owners who own a gun for “protection” has almost doubled from 26% to 48%. That’s a very tidy profit.

The irony of this is that in the same time, crime rates have been falling dramatically. So what can the gun industry do to sell more and more guns? The answer is found in NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre’s speech at the recent 2014 NRA national convention:

We know, in the world that surrounds us, there are terrorists and home invaders and drug cartels and car-jackers and knock-out gamers and rapers, haters, campus killers, airport killers, shopping mall killers, road-rage killers, and killers who scheme to destroy our country with massive storms of violence against our power grids, or vicious waves of chemicals or disease that could collapse the society that sustains us all.

Hypocritically, at the same convention where LaPierre was warning people about rapists, the NRA held a book signing for admitted serial statutory rapist Ted Nugent.

But it gets worse. Five years ago NRA board member and US Congressman Don Young (R-AK) stood with militia leader Schaeffer Cox in a video and signed the following declaration written by Cox:

Let it be known that we, the people of Alaska, stand in recognition of the true principle that whenever a government abandons the purpose for which we have created it and even becomes hostile towards that which it was once a defender of, it is no longer a fit steward of the political power that is inherent in the people and lent to this government with strict conditions. These conditions are clearly defined in the United States Constitution and understood by the common man.

Furthermore, to the extent that our government violates these conditions, they nullify their own authority, at which point it is our right and duty, not as subjects but as sovereign Americans, to entrust this power to new stewards who will not depart from the laws we have given them.

This being the case, let it be known that should our government seek to further tax, restrict or register firearms or otherwise impose on the right that shall not be infringed, thus impairing our ability to exercise the God-given right to self-defense which precedes all human legislation and is superior to it, that the duty of us good and faithful people will not be to obey them but to alter or abolish them and institute new government laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to us shall seem most likely to effect our safety and happiness.

Two years later, Cox was convicted of plotting to kill Alaska state troopers and a judge.

My problem is not with people owning guns. That is their right. My problem is with an industry that spews violent rhetoric and then uses the crime it incites in order to make money by selling “protection”. It is a racket, and a criminal and perhaps even treasonous one. Don’t believe me? As Cliff Schecter points out, just imagine what would happen if president Barack Obama had signed a declaration similar to the one above, which had been written by a radical Muslim.

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Late Night Political Humor

“I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I’m obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can’t believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this shit is out there — that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same shit, my god, you’re the Arby’s of news.” – Jon Stewart (responding to Sean Hannity’s claim that Stewart is obsessed with Hannity’s show just because Stewart made fun of Hannity’s non-stop coverage of Clivan Bundy)

“It’s become clear to me that I’ve won television. You see, Jon, almost nine years ago I promised to change the world and together, I did it.” – Stephen Colbert (stopping by The Daily Show to announce, in character, the real reason that he is ending his show)

“Maybe ride the rails, live boxcar to boxcar, learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken.” – Stephen Colbert (discussing his plans after leaving television)

“Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“China’s state media has announced that its ‘Cleaning the Web’ Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That’s like New York City announcing that their ‘Cleaning the Subway’ campaign has successfully exterminated one rat.” – Seth Meyers

“Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, ‘If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me.’ And I thought: Well, give that a try.” – David Letterman

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Over That?

Scott Bateman
© Scott Bateman

Anyone who thinks that our society (or even individual people) is beyond racism is deluding themselves. I would be willing to bet that every one of us has done racist things in their lives. Racism is not something that magically goes away (like, if we suddenly elect a black president), it is something we have to always guard against.

And I do mean everyone, regardless of race. Including me.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It’s the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the ‘three Rs:’ Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don’t know.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It’s like lice declaring a Head Day.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can.” – Seth Meyers

“In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, ‘Beat you to it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apple will recycle its used products for free. That’s not to be confused with what Apple normally does – when it recycles its old ideas for $600.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He’s here. He just dropped by to sign the lease.” – David Letterman

“I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year – pending the physical.” – David Letterman

“The Christian Science Monitor is claiming ‘Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.’ And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama’s approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.” – Jimmy Fallon

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The Neo-Belle Epoque

“When the rate of return of return on capital exceeds the rate of growth of output and income, as it did in the nineteenth century and seems quite likely to do again in the twenty-first, capitalism automatically generates arbitrary and unsustainable inequalities that radically undermine the meritocratic values on which which democratic societies are based.” – quote from the book “Capital in the Twenty-First Century” by economist Thomas Piketty.

Even though the book is 700 pages long and is translated from the original French, it has hit #1 on the Amazon best sellers list. Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman calls it a “magnificent, sweeping meditation on inequality” that “melds grand historical sweep with painstaking data analysis”. The book uses pioneering statistical techniques to track the history of income inequality, back as far as the late 18th century in some cases.

And what he found was that the income going to the 1% is now back to where it was a century ago. Even worse, our income inequality is not based on merit (as some would claim), but is once again being passed down through family dynasties.

Which sounds awfully like the situation we were in just before the great depression.

Matt Bors
© Matt Bors

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Late Night Political Humor

“Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.” – Seth Meyers

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he’s got a catchy campaign slogan: ‘Forget my first term. I was on crack.'” – David Letterman

“This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.” – Seth Meyers

“Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, ‘There’s only one way to find out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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The Justice of No

Tuesday, the Supreme Court handed a small victory to the Obama administration, ruling 6 to 2 to uphold the EPA’s authority to regulate coal pollution that crosses state lines.

The two dissenting votes were from Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. They are not the brightest jurists on the court, but in their dissenting opinion, they made what some legal scholars are calling “hugely embarrassing”, “epic”, a “cringeworthy blunder”, and a “mind-blowing misstatement of a basic fact”.

In the dissent, Scalia wrote “This is not the first time EPA has sought to convert the Clean Air Act into a mandate for cost-effective regulation. Whitman v. American Trucking Assns., Inc., 531 U. S. 457 (2001), confronted EPA’s contention that it could consider costs in setting [National Ambient Air Quality Standards].”

There is just one problem. The 2001 case they reference was exactly the opposite. The EPA refused to consider costs against health benefits, while the trucking industry was trying to force them to do just that. The Supreme Court ruled 9 to 0 in favor of the EPA.

Now here’s the ironic part. The author of that 2001 ruling was Scalia. He not only completely mischaracterized a Supreme Court decision (a bad mistake in itself), it was a unanimous decision that Scalia himself wrote.

I know it is the “highest court in the land”, but what drugs was he on?

[Note that on Wednesday, the Supreme Court updated and corrected Scalia’s opinion. But with one of his main arguments against the case gone, why did he still feel the need to dissent?]

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Pride of Place

There is a rather unusual poll out from Gallup. In the poll, they asked residents of all 50 states to rate their own state as the best place to live. Thus, the survey was not based on objective measures like crime rates or cost of living, but was completely subjective. Or put another way, the poll measures state pride.

Here are the results. The numbers show the percentage of state residents who say that their state is either the best, or one of the best possible to live in:

poll results
© Gallup and USA Today

Some interesting results:

  • Most of the top states are mountainous and have cold weather.
  • Most of the top states are in the west, with the exception of New Hampshire and Vermont.
  • Most of the bottom states are in the eastern half of the country, with the exception of New Mexico.
  • Most of the top states have relatively low population, with the exception of Texas. Traditionally, Texans have a somewhat overblown view of their home state. In fact, Texas had the highest percentage of people who said that their state was THE best to live.
  • 25% of people in Illinois say that their state is the worst place to live (followed by Rhode Island and Connecticut, both with 17%).
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Late Political Humor

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain (not Twain, likely from the book “The Peter Principle by Laurence F. Peter)

“The end of democracy and the defeat of the American Revolution will occur when government falls into the hands of lending institutions and moneyed incorporations.” – Thomas Jefferson (not Jefferson, but probably inspired by things he wrote).

“There are men running governments who should not be allowed to play with matches.” – Will Rogers

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

“Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many, for appointment by the corrupt few.” – George Bernard Shaw

Instead of “Late Night Political Humor” this is political humor from dead (“late”) people. Isn’t it ironic that warnings given even hundreds of years ago are still true and relevant today?

Even more ironically, this gives me hope. Democracy has been a mess for a very long time, and yet we have somehow managed to survive and (generally) prosper.

I realize that politicians and the media do a very good job of scaring people into thinking that the world is about to end. I guess fear is a very potent message for getting votes and selling newspapers. But in the end, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

UPDATE: Ok, the quote from Jefferson wasn’t written by him, but it is similar to things he did say. And the quote from Mark Twain, like many things attributed to Twain, was from someone else. But my point (and optimism) still stands.

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No Longer Number One

America just passed another milestone. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that a milestone passed us. For many years, the US has been known for having the more affluent middle class in the world. Indeed, we’ve used this fact to make fun of other countries, mocking them for their high taxes, or their “socialist” tendencies. The US was the land of opportunity.

Well, not so much any more. Sometime around the year 2010, the median income in Canada (the amount the average person earns, after taxes) passed that of the US. Europe is not far behind. And that’s just the middle class — the poor in Europe have earned more than the poor in the US for a while now.

It isn’t because our economy is doing poorly. It is actually doing very well, but the spoils of this economic prosperity is increasingly bypassing the middle class (not to mention the poor) and going directly to the rich.

Why? Three reasons: First, we aren’t educating our youth. Americans between the ages of 16 and 24 rank near the bottom in education among rich countries, significantly behind Canada, Australia, Japan, and Scandinavia and close to even Italy and Spain. Second, while wages for top executives have skyrocketed, pay for the middle class and poor has stagnated. Our minimum wage is lower and we have all but dismantled labor unions. Finally, while other countries work at redistributing income to low- and middle-income households, the US seems to be doing the opposite, giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy, especially inheritance taxes. The rich in America pay lower taxes than the rich in most other countries.

It is ironic to note that countries like Sweden, which conservatives make fun of because if their huge welfare state, the per capita GDP has consistently grown faster than that in the US over the past 30 years (you know, since the Reagan revolution, which was supposed to get rid of all those deadbeat welfare “takers” and energize the economy through “trickle down economics”).

So the rich are doing fine, but as for the rest of Americans, they seem to have been sold a (very expensive) pack of lies.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?” – Craig Ferguson

“Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they’re taking our jobs and our Jebs.” – Conan O’Brien

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he’s got a catchy campaign slogan: ‘Forget my first term. I was on crack.'” – David Letterman

“Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, ‘There’s only one way to find out’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.” – Seth Meyers

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