Political Irony

“The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.” – David Letterman

“It’s basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.” – Jon Stewart

“I guess that’s better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater.” – Jon Stewart (on the “Decision Points Theater” exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library)

“All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush’s presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In President Bush’s high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there’s another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton’s clothes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin’s hair is real. You can comb it and everything.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what the worst job in America is? It’s newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It was dubbed the worst job because it’s high stress, low pay, and often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. ‘Hey guys, guess what? Our lives stink.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the ‘Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library’.” – Jay Leno

“Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he’s in the shallow end.” – Jay Leno

“According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me!” – David Letterman

“I mean, at the end of this man’s presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I’m sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized.” – Stephen Colbert

“Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president.” – Jay Leno

“U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as ‘Kardashianism’.” – Jay Leno

“Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, ‘Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?'” – David Letterman

“These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Boston Marathon bombers)

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.” – David Letterman

“Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.” – Craig Ferguson

“After a very difficult week, it’s good to know that bad guys don’t get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun.” – Bill Maher

“These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico.” – Bill Maher

“Between these two assholes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation.” – Bill Maher

“The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama … believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He’s been apprehended, he’s facing jail time, and he’s leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016.” – Bill Maher

“Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they’re going to be pissed.” – Bill Maher

“90 percent of people support background checks, which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.” – Bill Maher

“A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn’t vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn’t go back to their district in this year after we’ve dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer.” – Bill Maher

© Scott Stantis

Sounds hokey to me!

“Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It’s not a good sign when the friend who’s trying to explain that you’re not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That’s not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you’re an FBI informant.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country’s founder. He famously said, ‘Let’s have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It’s a deadly poison made from beans. They said it’s the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it’s from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he’s bipartisan.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama offered to wash senators’ cars if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, ‘If you’re going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it’s 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.” – Conan O’Brien