The US is moving ahead with plans to have talks with the Taliban in Afghanistan. Meanwhile, relations with the “American Taliban” have never been worse, with Republicans repealing Obamacare over and over, blocking immigration reform, and filibustering everything Obama attempts to do (even if they originally supported it).
“Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book ‘1984’ have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It’s making Americans read.” – Conan O’Brien
“Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, ‘You can do that, really?'” – David Letterman
“So far, it’s a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.” – David Letterman
“There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? ‘Honey, I’m not looking at her breasts. I’m working for Homeland Security’.” – Jay Leno
“Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you’ll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien
“Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.” – Conan O’Brien
“We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It’s great to have a guest who’s so passionate about food. And it’s an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama’s policy because finally a man is listening to them.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don’t care. It’s like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it’s just like being married.” – David Letterman
“The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He’s also a moron.” – Jay Leno
“House Speaker John Boehner called NSA’s Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.” – Conan O’Brien
“I don’t know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that’s a debate we wouldn’t have had five years ago. Five years ago? It’s a debate we wouldn’t have had two weeks ago if they all hadn’t gotten caught.” – Jay Leno
“Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word ‘patriot’, and he’s being audited by the IRS.” – Jay Leno
“Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, ‘Hillary in 2016!’ and ‘Washington needs Hillary!’ and ‘Hillary for the White House!’ That’s not her followers. Those were her tweets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?” – David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, ‘How do you block people on this thing?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it’s the goodest news they have heard all year.” – Conan O’Brien
What’s ironic about this is that I don’t think Republicans care if their accusations against Obama are contradictory. They just keep throwing shit until something sticks.
Also ironic is that even though some of the recent scandals have stuck a bit (and the NSA scandal is even getting strong support from the left), none of this seems to be affecting Obama’s favorability ratings.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to downplay the NSA issue. I don’t agree with everything that Obama does and I’m deeply troubled by the NSA spying on US citizens, with seemingly no oversight at all. I really wish Obama would keep his promises about transparency. But it is clear that the GOP is not bringing up scandal after scandal in order to fix any problems with our government, they are doing it merely for political gain. It is hard to imagine that they would be any better if they were in charge, well except that anybody who objected to NSA spying would be labelled a traitor and soft on terrorism.
“The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It’s people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They’re the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.” – David Letterman
“This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans’ phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he’s hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, ‘I don’t want to be punished by the government – so I guess I’ll go to China’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he’s very pleased with himself. He says he doesn’t want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.” – David Letterman
“He went to China to avoid government persecution. That’s like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.” – John Oliver
“A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, ‘You’re being watched’. To which NBC executives said, ‘Finally! We would love to be watched’.” – Jay Leno
“People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don’t want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That’s how it works.” – Jay Leno
“Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it’.” – Jay Leno
“You know your phone is being tapped when you’re having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.” – David Letterman
“The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It’s a great story: When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to the president’s daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber’s phone records.” – David Letterman
“Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.” – Conan O’Brien
“Big breaking news about something we’ve known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, ‘The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife’.” – Bill Maher
“The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.” – Jay Leno
“The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They’re like, ‘When we said the president could do whatever the fuck he wanted, we didn’t mean a black guy’.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, ‘Why, so you can read our emails faster?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?” – Jay Leno
“Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not eat the fries on the way home.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she’s tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, ‘If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone’.” – Bill Maher
“The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.” – Jay Leno
“If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?” –Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, ‘We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That’s weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet.” – Jimmy Fallon
“As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word ‘senior’ twice. That probably explains why they didn’t get into ‘collage’.” – Jimmy Fallon
The video is far worse. Hannity actively promoting NSA surveillance then, over and over again, versus decrying it as unconstitutional now:
What a two-faced tool.
“Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, ‘You hang up first’. Then my wife said, ‘No, YOU hang up first!’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, ‘The friends and family and Obama plan’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: ‘They can hear you now’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.” – Jay Leno
“The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It’s a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama’s IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, ‘rough week, huh?'” – Craig Ferguson
“A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here’s the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.” – Jay Leno
“Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn’t either. Sometimes it just happens.” – Jay Leno
Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is a conservative hero. He famously cut government, took away worker protections, and cemented his conservative bonafides by supporting government-mandated ultrasounds before abortions. He is big business’ BFF.
There’s just one problem. His policies have all but wrecked the economy of his state. In a federal ranking of economic outlook, Wisconsin is now 49th, and is one of only 5 states to show negative growth. Since he took office, the state has gone from 11th to 44th in job creation. Wages in the state are declining at twice the national rate.
But Walker just doubles down. His new budget offers a tax cut that mainly benefits the rich, and proposes closing more public schools and instead using the money for school vouchers. He’s also reducing the number of people with health insurance, kicking 87,000 people off the state’s Badgercare program, and rejecting the expansion of Medicaid. In other words, his solution is more austerity.
Which worked so well in Greece. Walker promised his policies would create 250,000 jobs. But that just ain’t happening.
Ironically, his failures aren’t preventing him from being considered a frontrunner for the GOP nomination for the presidency in 2016.
I think a better use of him would be as a poster child for what happens when (neo-) conservatives get their way.
“The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.” – Jay Leno
“The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, ‘Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts’.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First Amendment.” – Jay Leno
“Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just keeps on getting hotter and hotter.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to CNN, former Sen. John Edwards is planning to open up a new law firm. John Edwards going back to work as an attorney. I guess he figured he was lying so much anyway, he might as well start getting paid for it.” – Jay Leno
Five stages? If they are stages, then why do we seem to be going through all of them at the same time?
“More problems for the IRS. Isn’t that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else’s life miserable? Start with that!” – Jay Leno
“We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They’ve been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, ‘Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?'” – David Letterman
“IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, ‘I’m going to stay, and I want my money.’ And you wonder why we’re $16 trillion in debt.” – Jay Leno
“A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to ‘be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mayor Bloomberg now says he’s outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You’re going to do hard time.” – David Letterman
I’ve of two minds about the current “scandal” about the government keeping track of phone numbers called by Verizon customers.
On one hand, I am extremely alarmed that we are rather quickly becoming a surveillance state, with pretty much our every move monitored and examined.
On the other hand, why are we so surprised? After 9/11, politicians on both sides — not to mention the American people — demanded that the government take every step to fight a war on terrorism. We passed the Patriot act with only one Congressman voting against it. Every traveler puts up with invasive, dehumanizing (and largely ineffective) searches every time they want to travel in an airplane. A large segment of the American population applauded the use of torture to gain information. And on and on. So why are we acting shocked?
David Simon has an excellent article on this. You should read it, and here is a short quote to encourage you to do so:
But those planes really did hit those buildings. And that bomb did indeed blow up at the finish line of the Boston marathon. And we really are in a continuing, low-intensity, high-risk conflict with a diffuse, committed and ideologically-motivated enemy. And for a moment, just imagine how much bloviating would be wafting across our political spectrum if, in the wake of an incident of domestic terrorism, an American president and his administration had failed to take full advantage of the existing telephonic data to do what is possible to find those needles in the haystacks. After all, we as a people, through our elected representatives, drafted and passed FISA and the Patriot Act and what has been done here, with Verizon and assuredly with other carriers, is possible under that legislation. Indeed, one Republican author of the law, who was quoted as saying he didn’t think the Patriot Act would be so used, has, in this frantic little moment of national overstatement, revealed himself to be either a political coward or an incompetent legislator. He asked for this. We asked for this. We did so because we measured the reach and possible overreach of law enforcement against the risks of terrorism and made a conscious choice.
Frankly, I’m a bit amazed that the NSA and FBI have their shit together enough to be consistently doing what they should be doing with the vast big-data stream of electronic communication. For us, now — years into this war-footing and this legal dynamic — to loudly proclaim our indignation at the maintenance of an essential and comprehensive investigative database while at the same time insisting on a proactive response to the inevitable attempts at terrorism is as childish as it is obtuse. We want cake, we want to eat it, and we want to stay skinny and never puke up a thing. Of course we do.
Lastly, who would have thought that Michael Moore and Glenn Beck would ever agree on anything? In simultaneous tweets, they both praised the leaker of this confidential information, with Moore calling him “hero of the year” and Beck calling him “the NSA patriot leaker”.
Now, the main question is whether we will actually do anything about the wholesale trampling on our privacy in the name of security. Or after the next terrorist attack, will we fall back in line demanding that the government do everything and anything to try to prevent it from happening again, the constitution be damned.
“Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?” – Jay Leno
“This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?” – Jay Leno
“During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive ‘No’.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.” – Conan O’Brien
“This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.” – Jay Leno
“In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” – Jay Leno
“The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.” – Craig Ferguson
Abortion Bush Campaign Finance Cheney Climate Clinton Congress Conservatives Corporations Corruption Deficits Democrats Drugs Economy Education Election Elections Energy Environment Fox News Gays Guns Health Immigration Lies McCain Media Middle East Obama Palin Protests Racism Religion Republicans Romney Spying Supreme Court Taxes Tea Party Terrorism Terrorists Torture Trump Unemployment War
© derf