Political Irony

“As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job.” – Jay Leno

“The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah.” – Conan O’Brien

“Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they’re busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.” – David Letterman

“President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need ‘Biggie’ fries to have regular-sized fries.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do.” – Conan O’Brien

“Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?” – Jay Leno

“While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, ‘Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The most impressive thing about President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.” – Jay Leno

“Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn’t matter if they’re black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, ‘Beats the finger I usually get!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” – Jay Leno

“Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One’s a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.” – Craig Ferguson

“Last night’s Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It’s a German dog. The affenpinscher’s name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe’s being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump’s toupee.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone’s not handling the breakup well.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.” – Jay Leno

“With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being Pope’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.” – Craig Ferguson

“I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don’t know what the president is going to say, but they know they won’t like it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he’s known in the Republican Party, ‘our black guy’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans’ rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to ‘Inception’, isn’t it? ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they played ‘Hey, Big Spender’.” – Jay Leno

“Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln’s birthday instead of Washington’s birthday? Well, it’s because Washington was famous for saying, ‘I cannot tell a lie’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, ‘Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!’ If we’re really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?” – Jay Leno

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it’s a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a ‘You don’t have a clue’ problem.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, ‘I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that’.” – Jay Leno

“The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.” – David Letterman

“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” – Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” – David Letterman

“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” – David Letterman

“CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you’re not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America’s problems and Congress says, ‘No’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Reportedly, President Obama’s speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he’ll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.” – Jay Leno

“Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, ‘If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he’s having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.” – Conan O’Brien

© Kevin Siers

If the Catholic Church isn’t going to look to the future, how about going all the way back to the past?

Ed Stein has a novel idea:

It’s time for the Church to think outside the box. Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign in six centuries. If you’re going to go back to old traditions, why not go all the way back to the beginning? All the early disciples were Jewish. Saint Peter, the founder of the Church, was Jewish. Why not a Jewish Pope?

Look, at a time when the Catholic Church seems focused on losing as much influence as possible in the West, what better way to accelerate the trend than to appoint a rabbi as Pope? Let’s face it: nobody listens to rabbis.

Oh, sure, virtually every congregation has one, and rabbis perform essential functions like giving sermons and officiating at bar mitzvahs and weddings and funerals, but no matter how many times they ask their congregants to keep kosher and not work or shop on the sabbath or fast on Yom Kippur, they’re pretty much universally ignored.

Also, because the rabbinate doesn’t answer to a central authority, priests under a Jewish Pope would be a lot more free to deal with the individual needs of their own congregations without the heavy hand of Rome interfering all the time. So each individual congregation would be free to ignore its own rabbi rather than having to go to the trouble of tuning out the entire Vatican.

Finally, a Jewish Pope would most likely be married. Getting rid of the absurd prohibition against priests marrying would go a long way toward putting the whole ugly pedophile scandal to rest for good. Rabbis, unlike priests, actually have some experience with marriage and sex, and a Jewish Pope would not have a lot of patience with priests who torment boys. He would understand that that’s a job reserved for Jewish mothers, and that the abuse should be entirely emotional, not physical.

Besides, this way nobody could ever accuse the Catholic church of being anti-semitic. And it would also build a bridge to protestant evangelicals, who lately seem to be obsessed with Israel. I think it is an idea whose time has come.

“People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill.” – Jay Leno

“The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama’s first debate with Romney.” – David Letterman

“Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn’t that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists have found the remains of England’s King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find his ticket. So he’ll be charged the day rate.” – Conan O’Brien

“Two prostitutes from the Dominican Republic say that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. And Menendez is in big trouble because as you know it is a felony to impersonate a Secret Service agent.” – Jay Leno

“Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans.” – Stephen Colbert (on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP)

“A new study just came out and it reveals that straight men who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don’t watch porn are lying.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year’s game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don’t worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday.” – David Letterman

“The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don’t experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party.” – Jimmy Fallon

“U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé.” – Conan O’Brien

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, ‘Flight’s on us! No problem. We’ve got everything covered.'” – Jay Leno

“Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it’s not a case of them losing credibility. They say it’s not because they’re now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it’s mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker.” – Bill Maher

“Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don’t care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They’ve discovered there’s a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn’t matter. They don’t want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there’s a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming.” – Bill Maher

“The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn’t been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn’t such a socialist.” – Bill Maher

“Here’s some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, ‘Man, high school never ends, does it?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun.” – Bill Maher

“This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February.” – Bill Maher

“Immigration is the big issue they’re working on in Washington. They want to create a ‘path to citizenship’. You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone.” – Bill Maher

“I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries.” – Bill Maher

“Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he’s been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants.” – Bill Maher

“The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative.” – Bill Maher

“The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he’s still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing.” – Jay Leno

“I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about.” – Jay Leno