Political Irony

“That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here’s the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they’re going to have one hell of a going-away party.” – Conan O’Brien

“Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That’s what you call a trade deficit.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts “just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents’ defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah’s Ark.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.” – Conan O’Brien

“Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country. But the best time ever to be a cat.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Google, I am shocked. You stole people’s personal information without their permission? That is Facebook’s job!” – Jon Stewart

“The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don’t worry. The IRS never checks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.” – Craig Ferguson

“In case you’re wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t mind paying taxes. But what I don’t get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can’t they give us a pass on that?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” – Craig Ferguson

“Ann Romney…is defending her husband for once strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, ‘The dog loved it.’ Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick.” – Conan O’Brien

“During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?” – Stephen Colbert

“At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you’re named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’” – Bill Maher

“Cory Booker is not the only New Jersey politician who’s done something brave like this. Gov. Chris Crisco – sorry Chris Christie – once ran into a burning restaurant to save 15 pounds of prime rib, but then got stuck in the window going out and burned his ass.” – Bill Maher

“Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was ‘only sing along with chorus.'” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.” – Jay Leno

“It’s that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it’s depressing, but just remember, you’re paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.” – Bill Maher

If you feel about about so much money in this country going to defense, don’t forget, if we didn’t spend more money on weapons than every other country combined, then Iran could not put the bomb they don’t have on the Korean rocket that doesn’t work.” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it.” – Jay Leno

“Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself.” – Bill Maher

“Speaking of problems taking care of itself, Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. Rick dropped out, but said he was going to keep fighting against liberalism, against secularism, and against the urge to blow Jon Hamm.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast.” – Seth Meyers

“The pundits say Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich is up to his chins in debt.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust, you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy ‘I’d like a wiener in my rim’.” – Bill Maher

Rick Santorum should have thought about this earlier, but it is not too late now, before he aborts his campaign.