Political Irony

“The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.” – Jay Leno

“And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, ‘Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.'” – Jay Leno

“Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?” – Jay Leno

“In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama’s finally found an issue that can bring this country together.” – Conan O’Brien

“I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn’t have one, he dropped out.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, ‘Unplug me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt’s also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon.” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he’s unfamiliar with the auto part.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s certainly nothing fun about paying taxes, but you have to remember… all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give you our parking tickets, and keeping welfare checks going to the Octomom, and important things like that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America.” – David Letterman

“Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote.” – David Letterman

“Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don’t recognize.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn’t have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.” – Jay Leno

“It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, ‘Manage your money, bro.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He’s constantly shelling out all that money.” – Jay Leno

“Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he’s the guy who was going to fix our economy.” – David Letterman

“Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it’s time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney’s running mate. I would like that. We haven’t had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called ‘Understanding Obama’ — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called ‘Understanding Biden.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.” – Jay Leno

“George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy.” – Conan O’Brien

“The teenage birth rate… is now the lowest it’s been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is due to the fact that ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3’ is so awesome that boys don’t care about girls anymore?” – Jay Leno

© Kevin Siers

Will Mitt Romney need two positions at the upcoming presidential debates?

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll – or, as the Republicans call it, ‘President Obama’s Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.’” – Jay Leno

“Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter egg roll… The only problem was, First lady Michelle Obama was put in charge of the snacks. That’s like putting Rick Santorum in charge of a rave.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted Peep.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt at his house as well. Although he does it a little bit differently; he hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest of eggs. They go to Caymans, they go to Switzerland… they travel all over.” – Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would’ve gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ‘90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’” – David Letterman

“Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich admitted to The Washington Post that he knows he probably won’t be the Republican nominee for president, but he’s not bowing out of the race because he’s $5 million in debt. So he needs to keep raising money. How do you continue to raise money when you’ve already admitted you probably won’t win?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter.” – Jay Leno

“Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.” – Jay Leno

“The FBI is reporting that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who’s paying attention and taking notes.” – Conan O’Brien

If you don’t know who Kirk Cameron is, see this, or this.