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Cleaning up after Santorum

Ranker has a funny round-up of Rick Santorum jokes.

Here are a few they collected from Twitter:

Breaking: Rick Santorum to “suspend” his presidential campaign. But he won’t terminate it without forcing it to get an ultrasound first.

“For a few short months back in 2012 ‘Santorum’ meant shitty banal rube, not shitty anal lube. Weird, right?” – The Future

Just wiped my ass with a sweater vest.

I really don’t want to read “Santorum, pulling out” again.

These are from just one of their top 20 Santorum jokes. Go read the rest.

UPDATE: Daniel Kurtzman has also collected the best Rick Santorum jokes, comics, and quotes. Here are a few he collected from Andy Borowitz:

It took Romney millions of dollars and months of attacks to narrowly defeat a mental patient in a sweater vest.

I don’t blame Santorum for not believing in evolution. It’s really let him down.

Santorum made his very first sweater vest when he tore the arms off his straitjacket.

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The Upcoming Campaign


© Clay Bennett

I’m almost afraid of posting comics like this one, since it might give the Republicans an idea.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” – Jay Leno

“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he’s now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don’t confuse that with Herman Cain’s campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” – Jay Leno

“Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?” – Craig Ferguson

“The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they’re a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They’re already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?” – Jay Leno

“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn’t they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” – Jay Leno

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Celebrity Endorsements are Worthless

Every candidate (reportedly) endorsed by God has now lost to Mitt Romney. I believe this is the final nail in the coffin for celebrity endorsements for political candidates.

The end — sorry, um, suspension — of Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign is a major milestone in the primary race, clearing the way, as it does, for Mitt Romney to cruise here on out to the nomination essentially unchallenged. But Santorum’s withdrawal is also a major milestone for God, the beloved all-powerful deity whose personal endorsement somehow failed to secure the nomination for any of the numerous Republicans — SantorumHerman Cain,Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry — whom he reportedly encouraged to run for president. It is unclear at this point whether God will even bother to offer anyone his apparently useless endorsement in the general election.

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Whiplash


© Tom Toles

I wonder how many people the Obama campaign has going over what Romney said during the primary campaign and ready to compare it to what he says during the actual election. Quite a few, if this is any indication. This is going to be interesting.

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Lies that Mitt Romney Tells

Now that Rick Santorum has officially suspended his campaign, the only things in the way of Mitt Romney are Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich.

In other words, we now know who the Republican candidate for president will be. So I guess it is time to start examining the record of Mittens in earnest.

We all know that ObamaCare was strongly modeled after RomneyCare, under Obama’s mistaken impression that if he proposed health care reform that was pretty much invented by Republicans, that they would have to support it.

It didn’t work out that way, which left Romney in a predicament? How could he justify RomneyCare in Massachusetts, while opposing Obamacare? How could he promote an individual mandate in his state, while condemning it as the greatest threat to individual liberty when Obama promoted it?

Simple of course, he would turn it into a state’s rights issue. That is, the states are welcome to come up with health care reform, but the feds are overstepping if they do the same. In fact, Romney went so far as to claim that he had never advocated a federal version of his Massachusetts health care reform:

My health care plan, by the way, is one that under our Constitution we’re allowed to have. The people in our state chose a plan which I think is working for our state.

At the time we crafted it, I was asked time and again, “Is this something that you would have the federal government do?” I said absolutely not.

I do not support a federal mandate. I do not support a federal one-size-fits-all plan. I believe in the Constitution.

Except of course that’s a complete lie. In 2009, when Obama was proposing a public option, Romney wrote in USA Today that Obama should instead use RomneyCare as his model, including an individual mandate.

Our experience also demonstrates that getting every citizen insured doesn’t have to break the bank. First, we established incentives for those who were uninsured to buy insurance. Using tax penalties, as we did, or tax credits, as others have proposed, encourages “free riders” to take responsibility for themselves rather than pass their medical costs on to others. This doesn’t cost the government a single dollar.

Romney also said:

Republicans are not the party of “no” when it comes to health care reform. This Republican is proud to be the first governor to insure all his state’s citizens. Other Republicans such as Rep. Paul Ryan and Sens. Bob Bennett and John McCain, among others, have proposed their own plans. Republicans will join with the Democrats if the president abandons his government insurance plan, if he endeavors to craft a plan that does not burden the nation with greater debt, if he broadens his scope to reduce health costs for all Americans, and if he is willing to devote the rigorous effort, requisite time and bipartisan process that health care reform deserves.

Of course, Obama did abandon the public option, came up with a bill that was revenue neutral, broadened the scope to reduce health care costs (remember “death panels”?). In other words, he did everything that Romney and other Republicans asked of him, and they still opposed it. And they continue to oppose it, ironically by claiming that the individual mandate, which they invented, is the greatest threat to individual liberty in history.

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Supreme Court may reconsider Citizens United decision

The Supreme Court may have a chance to reconsider their decision in Citizens United.

The state of Montana claims that they have the right to limit corporate spending in state elections.

It will be interesting to see if the court has the guts to reverse their boneheaded Citizens United decision. Or as two of the current Supreme Court justices who opposed Citizens United put it, what has happened because of that decision “make it exceedingly difficult to maintain that independent expenditures by corporations ‘do not give rise to corruption or the appearance of corruption.’ [The new case] will give the Court an opportunity to consider whether, in light of the huge sums currently deployed to buy candidates’ allegiance, Citizens United should continue to hold sway.”

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Republicans disagree with Reagan

Reagan and Obama agree on the Buffett Rule. I guess Republicans will oppose anything Obama does, even if it means disagreeing with their Saint Ronnie.

UPDATE: Picking up on this, Obama has offered to change the name of the bill to the “Reagan Rule“:

Some years ago, one of my predecessors traveled across the country pushing for the same concept. He gave a speech where he talked about a letter he had received from a wealthy executive who paid lower tax rates than his secretary and wanted to come to Washington and tell Congress why that was wrong.

That wild-eyed socialist, tax-hiking class warrior was Ronald Reagan. I know that position might disqualify him from the Republican primaries these days, but what Ronald Reagan was calling for then is the same thing that we’re calling for now … And if it will help convince folks in Congress to make the right choice, we could call it the Reagan rule instead of the Buffett rule.

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Exceptional Law


© Keith Knight

I’m waiting for a definition of “activist judge” that isn’t just “does things I don’t like”.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday’s primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” – Jay Leno

“Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin filed a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They’re always saying the prisons aren’t full enough.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin co-hosted the ‘Today’ show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” What they’re going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down ‘Hunger Games’ style.” – Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” – David Letterman

“Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job.” – Conan O’Brien

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Curiosity


© Lee Judge

Can anyone actually have this little empathy?

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Winning the battle but losing the war?

While the Republicans seem to throw all their energy into winning political battles, they have a very short attention span when it comes to actually governing. Their emphasis is on tactics, not on strategy. So while they somehow managed to win the 2010 midterm elections, they fumbled the ball after that.

And overturning health care reform is a good example. After introducing bill after bill trying to overturn Obamacare, it make take dreaded activist judges to accomplish that goal for them.

But here’s the rub. Republicans have no alternative for Obamacare, and they are going to need one. Even top Republicans admit that for the process of replacing Obamacare, the Republican wheels are just “beginning to turn“.

So how will Republicans solve the problem of spiraling health care costs? Their best idea was the individual mandate, but once Obama borrowed that idea from them they have vigorously opposed it. So what’s left?

Malpractice insurance is 2% of health care costs, so even completely eliminating malpractice lawsuits wouldn’t help.

Another idea they have floated is allowing insurance companies to sell policies across state lines, supposedly increasing competition. But the cost of insurance has almost nothing to do with the location of the insurance company, it is based on the cost of providing health care where the patient lives. Plus, if you buy insurance from a company in another state, it will be a lot harder to sue them, even if they defraud you, so that will make it easier for shady companies to sell bogus policies.

The only remaining Republican idea that might help is creating government insurance pools for people with preexisting conditions. Ironically, this will increase government involvement in health care far more than Obamacare’s individual mandate. So the Republicans, who claim to want to keep government out of health care, will end up increasing government involvement dramatically.

Either that, or a completely gridlocked Congress won’t be able to come up with any alternative to Obamacare, and we will go back to our completely broken health insurance system. Nobody, will like that. And Republicans will pay the price.

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

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How much is Romney willing to lie to get elected?

I realize that the Republican base doesn’t seem to even notice lies, but it looks like Obama will be willing to remind independent and swing voters.

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They Blinded Us With Science


© Dustin Glick

I wonder how many people who deny scientific facts like evolution and global warming would be willing to give up all their gadgets that were developed using science. Or would be against scientific theories like relativity or quantum mechanics.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, ‘What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?’” – David Letterman

“The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who’s arrested — even accidentally — can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court’s five conservatives. You know — the ‘defending personal liberty’ guys. Which is weird because I’m not a constitutional scholar, but I’m willing to bet Big Government feels it’s biggest when it’s inside your anus.” – Jon Stewart

“There’s a strange new law making its way through the Arizona state legislature right now. It’s a bill that, if signed into law… would ban people from posting anything (online) that would, quote, ‘terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, offend or annoy another person.’ I think it means Kim Kardashian is going to prison for a very long time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Oh, here’s your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It’s his money. It’s his money she spent.” – Jay Leno

“You’re pretending this whole appearance is some uncommonly ballsy way of sticking it to the ‘lamestream’ media, but it’s just another way for you to tout your brand of homespun nonsense unchallenged.” –Jon Stewart (on Sarah Palin’s “Today Show” appearance)

“Osama bin Laden… lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.” – David Letterman

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