Political Irony

© Caldwell Tanner

Some things never change, like the proverbial Game of Thrones.

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we’re not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half.” – Jay Leno

“Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played an April Fools’ joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” – Jay Leno

“No, this is true; I guess his staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday was April Fool’s Day and get this: Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, ‘My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” – Conan O’Brien

“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on ‘The Biggest Loser’ tomorrow night and will bring the overweight contestants to the East Room for a workout. You get the feeling that’s about the only way Newt Gingrich is ever going to get in the White House?” – Jay Leno

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he’s in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” – Jay Leno

“On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.” – Jimmy Fallon

Tucson’s school board bans the Mexican-American studies program based on “solid evidence”.

The school board member interviewed in the video claims he did not know that the Daily Show “is a satirical news show and thus does not always represent the true remarks their guest make. I went on this show to talk about the Mexican American Studies (MAS) classes. What I believed to be would be a true interview ended up being nothing of the sort. It is unfortunate that the Daily show opted to amuse rather then inform” (the typos are his).

New York Times columnist David Javerbaum presents a new theory of politics, based on recent observations of the behavior of presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This new theory has striking (and hilarious) similarities to Quantum Mechanics, and violates many of the laws of traditional classical politics. In classical Newtonian Politics (named after Newt Gingrich, in the same way that traditional physics is named “Newtonian Physics” after Sir Isaac Newton), “a candidate’s position on an issue tends to stay at rest until an outside force — the Tea Party, say, or a six-figure credit line at Tiffany — compels him to alter his stance.”

Like Quantum Mechanics, the rules of Quantum Politics are bizarre and appear to violate everyday experience and even common sense. Javerbaum explains the basic concepts of the new political model:

Complementarity. In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Mitt Romney is both a moderate and a conservative, depending on the situation. It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time.

Probability. Mitt Romney’s political viewpoints can be expressed only in terms of likelihood, not certainty. While some views are obviously far less likely than others, no view can be thought of as absolutely impossible. Thus, for instance, there is at any given moment a nonzero chance that Mitt Romney supports child slavery.

Uncertainty. Frustrating as it may be, the rules of quantum campaigning dictate that no human being can ever simultaneously know both what Mitt Romney’s current position is and where that position will be at some future date. This is known as the “principle uncertainty principle.”

Entanglement. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a proton, neutron or Mormon: the act of observing cannot be separated from the outcome of the observation. By asking Mitt Romney how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it. More precisely, Mitt Romney will feel every possible way about an issue until the moment he is asked about it, at which point the many feelings decohere into the single answer most likely to please the asker.

Noncausality. The Romney campaign often violates, and even reverses, the law of cause and effect. For example, ordinarily the cause of getting the most votes leads to the effect of being considered the most electable candidate. But in the case of Mitt Romney, the cause of being considered the most electable candidate actually produces the effect of getting the most votes.

Duality. Many conservatives believe the existence of Mitt Romney allows for the possibility of the spontaneous creation of an “anti-Romney” that leaps into existence and annihilates Mitt Romney. (However, the science behind this is somewhat suspect, as it is financed by Rick Santorum, for whom science itself is suspect.)

The figure at right is a Feynman diagram of an encounter between a Romney and an anti-Romney. The resulting collision annihilates both, leaving behind a single electron and a $20 bill.”