Political Irony

New York Times columnist David Javerbaum presents a new theory of politics, based on recent observations of the behavior of presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This new theory has striking (and hilarious) similarities to Quantum Mechanics, and violates many of the laws of traditional classical politics. In classical Newtonian Politics (named after Newt Gingrich, in the same way that traditional physics is named “Newtonian Physics” after Sir Isaac Newton), “a candidate’s position on an issue tends to stay at rest until an outside force — the Tea Party, say, or a six-figure credit line at Tiffany — compels him to alter his stance.”

Like Quantum Mechanics, the rules of Quantum Politics are bizarre and appear to violate everyday experience and even common sense. Javerbaum explains the basic concepts of the new political model:

Complementarity. In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Mitt Romney is both a moderate and a conservative, depending on the situation. It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time.

Probability. Mitt Romney’s political viewpoints can be expressed only in terms of likelihood, not certainty. While some views are obviously far less likely than others, no view can be thought of as absolutely impossible. Thus, for instance, there is at any given moment a nonzero chance that Mitt Romney supports child slavery.

Uncertainty. Frustrating as it may be, the rules of quantum campaigning dictate that no human being can ever simultaneously know both what Mitt Romney’s current position is and where that position will be at some future date. This is known as the “principle uncertainty principle.”

Entanglement. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a proton, neutron or Mormon: the act of observing cannot be separated from the outcome of the observation. By asking Mitt Romney how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it. More precisely, Mitt Romney will feel every possible way about an issue until the moment he is asked about it, at which point the many feelings decohere into the single answer most likely to please the asker.

Noncausality. The Romney campaign often violates, and even reverses, the law of cause and effect. For example, ordinarily the cause of getting the most votes leads to the effect of being considered the most electable candidate. But in the case of Mitt Romney, the cause of being considered the most electable candidate actually produces the effect of getting the most votes.

Duality. Many conservatives believe the existence of Mitt Romney allows for the possibility of the spontaneous creation of an “anti-Romney” that leaps into existence and annihilates Mitt Romney. (However, the science behind this is somewhat suspect, as it is financed by Rick Santorum, for whom science itself is suspect.)

The figure at right is a Feynman diagram of an encounter between a Romney and an anti-Romney. The resulting collision annihilates both, leaving behind a single electron and a $20 bill.”

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” – David Letterman

“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” – David Letterman

“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” – Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno

“(Monday) was Nancy Pelosi’s birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised.” – Jay Leno

[reprinted from The Borowitz Report]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama’s bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama did this last year, too. Once again, he is out of touch with regular hard-working Americans who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” – Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” – Jay Leno

“He is so conservative, he won’t even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself’. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he’s been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” – Jay Leno

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” – Jimmy Fallon