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Late Night Political Humor

“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can’t buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” – Jay Leno

“Romney’s campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” – Jay Leno

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he’s too affluent. Romney was talking about his father’s humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I’ll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” – Conan O’Brien

“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” – Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he’s mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” – Conan O’Brien

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn’t believe in evolution.” – Jay Leno

“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal photo. It’s him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he’s in there getting a vasectomy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder’s permit.” – Jay Leno

“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word ‘iPad’ is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” – Jimmy Fallon

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Happy Valentine’s Day!


© Joel Pett

I guess it is a love-hate relationship.


© Tony Auth

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Bain Capitalism Run Amok


© Tom Tomorrow

I usually don’t like comics like this, where they make fun of a politician for something they didn’t actually do (especially when there are plenty of things they did do that are just as bad). But this one is making a good (albeit subtle) point. The vampire capitalism practiced by companies like Romney’s Bain Capital (and largely made possible by obscure tax loopholes) is hard for the average person to relate to. Tom Tomorrow makes the point that if Romney really believes that corporations are people, then harvesting the “organs” of corporations is analogous to harvesting the real organs of real people.

Or maybe I only get the joke because I used to work as a CEO?

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Late Night Political Humor

“Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.” – David Letterman

“Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers.” – Jay Leno

“It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.” – David Letterman

“People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney’s going to do if he’s elected president is he’s going to outlaw casual Friday.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” – David Letterman

“He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said ‘$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.” – Jay Leno

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” – Jay Leno

“A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” – Conan O’Brien

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Babysitting While White?

Everyone has heard about the common offense (at least in police eyes) of “Driving While Black” but this is a new twist. A white man who is babysitting his 5-year-old black granddaughter is hassled (more than once) by police.

Mind you, we are only seeing one side of this story, but his account certainly has “truthiness”.

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O’Really?

Has anyone checked the temperature in hell recently? Fox News host Bill O’Reilly has written a column that I completely agree with! In fact, it is downright reasonable.

O’Reilly defends JC Penney’s right to hire Ellen DeGeneres as a spokesperson. She is openly gay, and at least one conservative group is calling for JC Penney to “replace Ellen DeGeneres as their new spokesperson immediately and remain neutral in the culture war”.

O’Reilly defends the right of the conservative group to stop shopping at JC Penney if they don’t like Penney’s new spokesperson, and even the group’s right to express their displeasure.

But what I really liked was when O’Reilly pointed out that, in his opinion, there are far worse role models out there than DeGeneres, and names Kim Kardashian as one of them. If the conservative group wants to protest bad role models, he says they should widen their scope a little.

O’Reilly concludes:

So let’s leave Ellen alone and allow the marketplace to dictate exactly what Americans believe is worthy. That is the American way. Witch-hunting against certain people and groups is not.

Amen.

What makes this ironic is that it puts O’Reilly in the same camp as Howard Stern.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” – Jay Leno

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” – David Letterman

“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” – David Letterman

“To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welke.” – David Letterman

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” – Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” – Jay Leno

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Santorum’s Impact


© Jim Morin


© Lee Judge

I’m still convinced that the Republicans will eventually come to their senses, and realize that Rick Santorum, while being the ideal ultra-conservative, is so far out of the mainstream that he has no chance of getting elected. I mean, someone who wants to outlaw birth control even for married couples? Seriously?

The only question is whether they will come to their senses before the Republican convention.

UPDATE: Santorum’s poll numbers continue to surge among Republicans, and he now leads Mitt Romney 30% to 28% (but within the margin of error). A month ago, Romney led Santorum 31% to 14%. My theory is that with the improving economy, the Republicans may realize that they have nothing to lose.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” – Jay Leno

“One of the most talked about [Super Bowl] commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” – Jay Leno

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.” – David Letterman

“Here’s a very bizarre story that was online; a woman in England was born… she’s 25 now and very attractive… the women was born with two vaginas. Two vaginas! See, this is the woman who should marry Newt Gingrich! Then he could have a wife and an open marriage at the same time.” – Jay Leno

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Slip Up


© Adam Zyglis

The whole bruhaha about birth control was just a political stunt. Twenty eight states already require the Catholic Church to cover birth control in their insurance policies, and 97% of Catholic women have used birth control at sometime in their life.

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Religious Freedom?

Since when does religious freedom equal the freedom for religions to control the lives of people, even people who don’t believe in their religion? Religious freedom is the freedom for people (not corporations as people, not churches as people, but real people) to practice whatever religion they please, without interference from the government. So how does it make sense for a religion to scream when they are not allowed to infringe on people’s freedom?

The health care reform law, already passed by Congress, requires health insurance policies provided by employers to completely cover preventative care, which includes birth control. This was not particularly controversial. Even before health care reform, a majority of states (28, including the home states of both Romney and Gingrich) had laws or regulations requiring the same thing, and I didn’t hear anyone screaming that they were waging war on the Catholic Church.

In fact, the new federal rules went a step further and exempted all churches, missions, or other places of worship that are opposed to birth control (while eight of those 28 states had no exemption for religious organizations of any kind).

Personally, I think even that exemption is silly. The sad truth is that churches own a lot of businesses, and those businesses employ a lot of people who do not belong to that church. Is every doctor, nurse, x-ray technician, and janitor who works in a Catholic hospital a Catholic? Of course not. But Catholic leaders are insisting that they (suddenly) be allowed to deny coverage for birth control to non-Catholics?

What’s next, allowing the Rastafarian church to sell ganja (marijuana) on the street? If not, then why would we exempt the Catholic church from following the law?

Note that the new rule does not require Catholic hospitals or clinics to provide birth control. And just because insurance policies offer contraception for free doesn’t mean that you are forcing anyone — Catholic or not — to use it. You are just giving people the freedom to choose what they believe and do. Why should the Catholic church be able to deny access to anyone for free birth control (even if they are Catholic, but especially if they are not)?

What makes this doubly ironic is surveys have shown that the vast majority of even Catholic women (greater than 97%) have used some form of birth control during their lives, even though the Catholic church says that using birth control is a sin. Not only that, but 60% of Catholics say that insurance should cover access to birth control (the numbers are even higher for non-Catholics).

And what pisses me off about this is that over half (58%) of women who use birth control do so for other health reasons, including reducing the risk of ovarian cancer, treating fibroid tumors and anemia. Not to mention that some forms of birth control (like condoms) reduce the chance of getting or spreading STDs (including AIDS). Does the Catholic church give a damn about women’s health?

I’ve also heard the argument that Catholic churches shouldn’t have to pay for someone to use contraception, but amazingly even this argument is completely false. Studies have shown that providing free birth control does not increase health care premiums or costs, it reduces them. The cost of birth control is far smaller than the health care costs for a pregnancy (not to mention the expense of raising a — possibly unwanted — child).

Or even more ironic, the cost of birth control is less than paying for an abortion. The simple truth is that if you stop providing birth control, not only will the cost of providing health care go up, but the number of abortions will increase. Even when abortion was illegal, this was true. Is that what Catholic churches want?

So now Obama has compromised, but I think in this case he did it brilliantly. Instead of requiring churches to provide insurance that pays for free birth control, he will now require insurance companies to pay for birth control, but only to customers who specifically request it. Churches don’t have to pay for birth control, and it actually saves money for insurance companies. Nobody is forced to use birth control, but it is there if someone asks for it.

Many Catholic leaders are happy with the compromise, including the head of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops (who were were one of the main groups fighting the new rule), and the head of the Catholic Health Association. The president of the University of Notre Dame applauded “the willingness of the administration to work with religious organizations to find a solution acceptable to all parties.”

So will the Republicans stop trying to make this into a campaign issue?

Hah. Rick Santorum, who has previously declared that all birth control should be illegal, said “This is a war of government trying to use its power to force you to do things.” Newt Gingrich dismissed Obama’s compromise, saying “I, frankly, don’t care what deal he tries to cut.” Mitt Romney called it a “deception” and the Heritage Foundation declared it an “accounting trick”.

What unmitigated BS.

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Who are you, and what have you done with George Will?

I was pleasantly surprised by an editorial by conservative George Will condemning Republicans for saying that Obama is weak on defense. By George, Will wonders never cease!

Here are two quotes from it, but the whole thing is short and definitely worth a read.

The U.S. defense budget is about 43 percent of the world’s total military spending — more than the combined defense spending of the next 17 nations, many of which are U.S. allies. Are Republicans really going to warn voters that America will be imperiled if the defense budget is cut 8 percent from projections over the next decade? In 2017, defense spending would still be more than that of the next 10 countries combined.

Osama bin Laden and many other “high-value targets” are dead, the drone war is being waged more vigorously than ever, and Guantanamo is still open, so Republicans can hardly say that Obama has implemented dramatic and dangerous discontinuities regarding counterterrorism. Obama says that, even with his proposed cuts, the defense budget would increase at about the rate of inflation through the next decade. Republicans who think America is being endangered by “appeasement” and military parsimony have worked that pedal on their organ quite enough.

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Dead


© Derf

In the current Republican race, what’s important is not the winner of the latest primary or caucus, what’s important is who is losing. After all, all of the current candidates have won at least once (except for Ron Paul). As candidates lose momentum and drop out, the winner will not be the person who wins the most often, but the person who doesn’t ever looselose so badly that they have to drop out, so they keep going long enough to be the last man standing.

So the important news from Tuesday was not that Santorum won. The important news is that Gingrich didn’t even show. Maybe a dead cat is a good analogy for his candidacy (although Derf drew this before Tuesday).

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Late Night Political Humor

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” – Bill Maher

“Romney won the Florida primary with 47 percent of the vote. Or as it’s known in Florida schools, a B minus.” – Seth Meyers

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m not concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” – Bill Maher

“He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch rich dick. His point of view was ‘You wouldn’t treat Obama this way. I’ll bet you $10,000 you wouldn’t treat Obama this way.’” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” – Jay Leno

“Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.” – David Letterman

“I think I can prove that Mitt Romney is the whitest man ever because he won Florida, became the undisputed front runner and then the next day, the host of Soul Train killed himself.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” – Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” – Seth Meyers

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore… but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” – Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” – Jay Leno

“Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won’t stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles.” –Bill Maher

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” – Jay Leno

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Willing Victims


© Ed Stein

Why in the world do we spend billions of dollars spying on people? How much do we spend on the CIA, or on spy satellites?

All you have to do is set up a social network and people will tell complete strangers everything about their lives, including photos (who needs spy cameras?). Heck, they will tell the whole world things they would never tell their parents (or conversely their children).

Who knew that we could have completely destroyed Al Qaeda by simply paying some kid to create a social network for jihadists? Not to mention that all the time they wasted posting messages on the social network would be time they wouldn’t be able to spend killing infidels or fighting the great satan.

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