Political Irony

© Matt Bors

I like the speech bubble going through the halo.

“Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.” – David Letterman

“Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me that three years ago?'” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night Sarah Palin released a letter announcing that she will not run for president in 2012. That’s right, Sarah Palin wrote a letter — which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Another huge setback for the Obama campaign today. Sarah Palin is not running for President. Couldn’t find her birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“The economy’s so bad, I was in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two writers, so this joke I’m in the middle of right now has no punch line.” – David Letterman

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that ‘less than no one’ thinks they’re doing a good job.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin announced she’s not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it’s too late.” – Jay Leno

“Are you telling me that driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.” – Jay Leno

“Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell ‘potato’.” – David Letterman

“A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox.” – David Letterman

“Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse.” – Stephen Colbert

“The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake.” – David Letterman

“Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, ‘You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you’re fired.'” – Jimmy Fallon

‎”The ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement has basically been a four-week downtown Manhattan live-in, which has spread to cities all around the country, causing the media to move its coverage dial from ‘Blackout’ to ‘Circus’.” – Jon Stewart

[Written by Fred Wickham, reposted from Bullseye Rooster]

My debate plan.

I can share this because I know no Republican candidates, nor their staffs, will be reading my blog. I have made it unavailable to them. Here’s the plan — and the debate’s sponsors have taken me up on it. So be ready for fireworks this Tuesday night.

A questioner — from Bloomberg, Washington Post, or WBIN-TV — will say to the candidates, “I have two important documents with me. One of them will be your guide to governing this country. You may only choose one. No hedging will be allowed.” Then the questioner will produce the U.S. Constitution and the Bible.

Right down the row: Bachmann, Perry, Cain, Romney, Huntsman, Gingrich and whoever else is still in the running. Will they all leave the stage in a huff? We’ll find out. I’m hoping the questioner has the guts to stop any attempted spin. “Choose one or the other, Governor!”

The sponsors haven’t gotten back to me on this yet, but I’m sure they’re going to call me tomorrow and say it’s a go.