Political Irony

“Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That’s what her words are for.” – Jon Stewart

“Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That’s when you know it’s bad, when even you look surprised you’re running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I look at that picture and say, isn’t that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?” – Jon Stewart

“Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann ‘The Queen of Rage.’ Michele says, ‘There’s only one raging queen in our household, and it’s not me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“New reports say that President Obama’s re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as ‘weird.’ They’re also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as ‘Michele Bachmann.'” – Conan O’Brien

“‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ made $54 million this weekend. It’s about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.” – Jay Leno

“Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I’d be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won’t talk to us.” – Jay Leno

“The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After Monday’s 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.” – Conan O’Brien

“Great day today! Obama didn’t speak. Congress didn’t act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There’s a lesson in there.” – Jay Leno

“There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, ‘Darn! That’s where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. – Jay Leno

“Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last ‘Harry Potter’ movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he’ll go from there.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I Survived Maria.’ Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, ‘I Survived ‘Twins.’ ‘End of Days’ and ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she’d have if the Palins didn’t practice abstinence. The kid’s name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We finally got a debt deal. It’s a jobs killer. It’ll bring back the recession. It didn’t do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, ‘I got shot in the head for this?'” – Bill Maher

“In the movie ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes,’ not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans.” – Jay Leno

“John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack.” – Bill Maher

“There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There’s a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage.” – Bill Maher

“The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherfuckers.” – Bill Maher

“So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party.” – Bill Maher

“That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?” – Bill Maher

“Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas.” – Bill Maher

“The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor’s downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF.” – Bill Maher

“I have some bad news for the Chinese; that money we were going to pay you back with, turns out we had it in the stock market. Tough break.” – Jay Leno

“I don’t want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream.” – Bill Maher

“Some good news; after one of the worst weeks in 30 years the market slightly recovered today. Up 60 points! Sixty points! In fact, economists say if we can do that every day for the next 200 years we’ll be back to where we were last week. So that’s fantastic.” – Jay Leno

“Man, it’s been a tough time for the economy, but this week, President Obama declared that quote ‘things will get better.’ Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don’t know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is willing to be 52.” – Bill Maher

“Later this month President Obama will embark on a bus tour through the Midwest that will focus on jobs. Mainly him trying to keep his.” – Jay Leno

“Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he’s a secret Republican.” – Bill Maher

“A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they’re in office. Or as John McCain put it, ‘Whew — good thing I lost!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I’m concerned.” – Bill Maher

“On this day in 1861, the federal income tax went into effect. Actually, what happened was, back in those days there were lots of armed robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them all up – thus forming I.R.S. as we know it today.” – Jay Leno

Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC’s first ad: