Political Irony

“Michele Bachmann says that if she’s elected, she’ll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment … Yeah, let’s ban pornography.” – David Letterman

“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” – David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn’t read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don’t have to sign anything so important they have to read it first.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to ‘pray away the gay.’ They want gay guys to think outside the bun.” – Jay Leno

‎”Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” – Stephen Colbert

“Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it, you have to be either Google or Apple. You can’t be a newspaper.” – Jay Leno

“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” – David Letterman

“It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.” – Jay Leno

“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” – Jay Leno

“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.'” – Jimmy Fallon

‎”It’s not, ‘All right, let’s all chip in and we’ll buy a keg for the big party.’ It’s, ‘Buy me a keg and I won’t burn your f**kin’ house down.'” –Jon Stewart [on Republicans’ approach to compromise during debt negotiations]

“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” – Jon Stewart

“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” – Wyatt Cenac [Daily Show senior debt correspondent]

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?'” – Craig Ferguson

“The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.” – Jay Leno

“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” – Jay Leno

© Tom Tomorrow

Sometimes when I read about the latest shenanigans in Congress, I feel like an alien. Is this really how we look to the rest of the world?

UPDATE: Paul Krugman has an excellent editorial about how the Republican Party has been acting crazy for a long time. And the current insanity is a result of us letting them get away with it for so long. As he puts it, “If you’re surprised, that means that you were part of the problem.”

UPDATE 2: The rest of the world also thinks the Republicans are nuts. And worse, that they are holding the world’s economy hostage. Once this little mess is over, watch the rest of the world distance itself from the dollar standard as quickly as possible, to our great detriment. The Republicans, even if they do give in and let Obama solve the debt crisis, have fucked us over.

“People are mad. There’s a lot of soul-searching going on after the Casey Anthony verdict. Florida is looking into the jury selection process, their legislatures are reviewing laws, and CNN is considering whether Nancy Grace should be replaced by an actual glassy-eyed vulture.” – Bill Maher

“If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.” – Bill Maher

“Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: If your dad was on OJ’s legal dream team, you can’t Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It’s like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.” – Bill Maher

“I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn’t. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.” – Bill Maher

“In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people.” – Bill Maher

“Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened. It went smoothly at first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner’s penis.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: You can’t be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners – just beating the old record set by George Michael – and at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing Port-O-Potties.” – Bill Maher