“What’s especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery — whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol — a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ‘The Late Show.’ My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!” – David Letterman
“Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that’s the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn’t transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina’s sacred bros before hoes law.” – Conan O’Brien
“People are calling him a hypocrite, because he’s another family values politician having an affair, but I don’t see it in political terms. I’m just embarrassed for my gender. Ladies, if you want to know what it’s like being a guy, think about the fact that there’s a man, the governor of a good-sized state, who asked himself, ‘Hmm, can I sneak off to Argentina for a week with my lover without anybody finding out?’ And somehow came up with the answer ‘yes.’ I hope that gives you a sense of what we’re up against.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At a press conference yesterday, in case you don’t know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That’s right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five.” – Conan O’Brien
“Turned out the governor disappears, for like, the weekend. Finally, his staff said, ‘Don’t worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.’ But it turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was with a woman from Argentina. Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don’t necessarily have better judgment than white men.” – David Letterman
“The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“What if there is trouble and you can’t find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn’t it? And I’m thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading.” – David Letterman
“Anybody here from South Carolina? You’re here but you don’t want to admit it.” – David Letterman
“Well, it’s the latest political scandal. Mr. And Mrs. Sanford, you know, the Jon and Kate of politics.” – David Letterman
“There’s another new development in the Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Wait. You can do that? No one told me that.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on TV.” – David Letterman
“But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it’s just not with his wife.” – David Letterman
“Let’s run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra.” – David Letterman
“Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it’s crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him.” – David Letterman
“This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests, keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking.” – David Letterman
“A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Isn’t that the lowest? Yeah, probably the most shameless had to be, ‘Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there.” – David Letterman
“And it’s a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad.” – David Letterman
