“Did everyone see Brian Williams’ special with President Obama that was on? Yeah? Anyway, there’s this big NBC News special with Brian Williams, and in the special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight was the first of the two-night NBC News special called ‘Inside the Obama White House.’ They had 150 cameras inside the White House. Basically, it was ‘Cribs’ hosted by Brian Williams.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And it was a fascinating look at the inner workings of the White House. For instance, did you know the White House has its own Build-A-Bear Workshop? I didn’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Have any of you been watching this show, ‘Inside the Obama White House’? It’s a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama’s love. And Congress votes them out one by one.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Obamas gave NBC News unprecedented behind the scenes access to the inner workings of the White House. Last night, we got to see Obama buy a hamburger, which was interesting. Wherever Obama went, Brian Williams went with him. They showered together a couple of times and they drove around together.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn’t been out yet, I think. But it’s coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘I’d kill for somewhat frosty.'” – Conan O’Brien
“But listen to this. Now, I knew this was going to happen. They do this to everybody. They start digging around and they get these reporters and they go nuts and they want to write books and they publish newspapers. And I think, well, why don’t you just mind your own business? That’s what I think. And they found out now that back in 2000, there was some marital tension in the Obama marriage. Some marital tension. Hey, but, I mean, come on, who hasn’t had a little marital tension? Am I right? Yeah. I am the epitome of marital tension. Just take a look at me. Take a look at the wreck I am.” – David Letterman
“Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I’m like, what?! He said he might support President Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim countries now than back in 2002. That’s because the media never reports any of the good bombings.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s another busy day for President Obama. He’s over in the Middle East. You can say what you like about President Obama, but he’s not afraid of tough challenges. Last week, the President rescued GM. This week, he’s off to the Middle East. Next week, the toughest challenge yet — trying to save ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8.'” – Craig Ferguson
“But now — and this could be pivotal — President Obama is in Saudi Arabia. Were you aware of that? Yep, he’s in Saudi Arabia. He spent the night at King Abdullah’s ranch. He has a ranch there. It’s the Lazy Camel.” – David Letterman
“Think about this. Obama is in the Middle East trying to straighten out the world, trying to make things better than they were. And talk about pressure, talk about a guy who’s being busy, talk about a guy, every move is being scrutinized. Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have John McCain. He’s at a bakery waiting for his number to be called.” –David Letterman
“Sooner or later, every president has to go to the Middle East. President Bush went to negotiate agreements on oil prices. President Clinton went to negotiate agreements on oil wrestling.” – Craig Ferguson
“And Obama, you know, when he travels, it’s a big deal. He arrived at the Saudi Arabia airport there with a plane load of staff, a plane load of press. I’m telling you, this is costing more than a date with his wife Michelle.” –David Letterman
“President Obama used the word shukran, the Arabic word for thank you, in response to a compliment from the king today. The compliment, ‘I appreciate that you didn’t bring Joe Biden.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, Vice President Biden was here in New York yesterday and bought a designer suit at Barney’s for $2,400. I know. It’s a lot but it’s high quality material, made from the same fabric as his hair.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That’s true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here.” – Conan O’Brien
“Talk about a guy who won’t go away. How about Osama bin Laden? I mean, come on. Come on with this guy. And there’s another one of those aggravating tapes that he sends out from time to time and they put them on the Al Jazeera network. There’s a new tape and people say, ‘Well, how do we know this is a current tape?’ Well I’ll tell you how you can tell that this is a current tape. At the end of the tape, he wishes Jay luck on the new 10 p.m. show.” – David Letterman
“Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I’m like, you’re a bit behind the times, you know. We don’t use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now.” – Craig Ferguson
“Very strange tape from Osama bin Laden. He claims that ‘American Idol’ was fixed, number one. And then he demands the release of Phil Spector.” – David Letterman
“Experts say the tape was recorded recently, because it’s mostly just ranting about how Susan Boyle got robbed. ‘She has the voice of an angel, dammit. You will pay for this!'” – Craig Ferguson
“And in the new tape, it’s a long, crazy man, lunatic rant condemning President Obama. Oh no, wait a minute, that’s Cheney. That was Cheney doing that.” – David Letterman
“How about that Dick Cheney? He’s really quite busy here lately. He’s talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself.” – David Letterman
“Yeah, Cheney’s all hot about it. He says America is now less safe. He said Obama is making America less safe. And then to prove his point, Cheney shot a hunting buddy in the face. That’s exactly what he did.” – David Letterman
“Have you been following this North Korea situation with Kim Jong-Il? You know Kim Jong-Il? The guy is nuts. And he’s apparently threatening nuclear missiles and so on and so forth. And he’s getting to be a little older, so now he’s appointed his son to take over for him when he steps down. And his son’s name is Kim Jong-Un. That’s his name, Kim Jong-Un. And I think the son is weird also, because he’s already announcing plans that he’s going to turn North Korea into a disco.” – David Letterman
“Everybody thinks about it, you know, having a son who will one day take over. But this Kim Jong-Un may not be that smart, because a couple of times a day he asks people over there, ‘Uh, so is this North Korea or South Korea?'” – David Letterman
“Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is ‘Live Free or Bi.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso’s Motors.” – Jimmy Fallon
