From BartCop.

Sarah Palin

“Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.” -David Letterman

“President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. … And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.” -Conan O’Brien

“How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don’t worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher.” -David Letterman

“And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, ‘You betcha. As long as I don’t have to read it.'” -David Letterman

“Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who’s really excited about this? Neiman Marcus.” -Jay Leno

“Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing.” -David Letterman

The Economy

“Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That’s how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past.” -Jay Leno

“It’s great to be here in Los Angeles, what’s left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven’t seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K).” -Jay Leno

“Thanksgiving just around the corner. Do you feel like Thanksgiving, folks? You know, it’s a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. I hope you’re planning on doing something for people less fortunate. For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother.” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.” -Jay Leno

The Transition

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” -David Letterman

“Obama appears to have selected an attorney general and it looks like Hillary Clinton might be his secretary of state. Boy, I guess that’s good for her, but Hillary went from almost being the president to a secretary. Sounds like somebody needs to watch ‘Working Girl’ again, because that’s not how it’s supposed to work.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I’m thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What’s the problem?” -David Letterman

“The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush is still busy. People act as if President Bush is done now, but he’s not. He’s still doing things, he’s still busy. Yesterday, President Bush awarded — this is true — a national Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic-book artist who created Spiderman. … Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that felt right.” -Conan O’Brien

Politics as usual

“Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn’t get any gifts. At least, he didn’t report any.” -Jay Leno

“There is good news for friend-of-the-show and fair-weather friend of the Democratic Party Joe Lieberman. After supporting a Republican for president, today, Lieberman found out his fate. … Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough. The senator was so grateful, he could barely contain his enthusiasm. … So congratulations, senator. In the end, your support for McCain didn’t help ‘Joe the Plumber,’ but, more importantly, it didn’t hurt ‘Joe the Lieberman'” -Stephen Colbert

© Cam Cardow

“The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. But that’s kind of sad, don’t you think? I mean think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary.” -Jay Leno

“How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.” -David Letterman

“Henry Kissinger’s in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, ‘Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She’s crazy.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Actually, I think Hillary Clinton would be a great secretary of state. You know, she can cackle in seven different languages.” -Jay Leno

“Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to be appointed to a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.” -David Letterman

“Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.” -Jay Leno

“At a big photo op today, earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent, John McCain. The two got together. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face. He’s still mad.” -Conan O’Brien

“Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I’m catching up with you. I just got a second home.” -David Letterman

“When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists.” -Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can’t use … his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That’s not a problem.” -David Letterman

“Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.” -Jay Leno

“President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring.” -Stephen Colbert

“Everyone’s talking about the transition to the White House, and everyone’s talking about how he’s going to get a dog for his little girls. Well, Barack says he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters, because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Yeah, that’s true. Which is the exact same reason, apparently, he picked Joe Biden.” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'” -Jay Leno

Interesting stories about life for the future POTUS. President Reagan said the White House was like living in an eight-star hotel, but Harry Truman complained that the place was a “glamorous prison”.

The biggest changes are the intense security requirements for the president — which even include provisions for when he has to go to the restroom. But at least they don’t have this anymore:

At one time, the President and Vice-President were given three-inch-high models of the Washington Monument to put beside their beds. They had simply to knock them over to summon the guards. But the models were abandoned after Vice-President Dan Quayle – noted for being clumsy – knocked his over late one night while making love to his wife. In seconds, the door burst open, the lights went on and Mrs Quayle was thrown out of bed to the floor as bodyguards flocked around her husband to ensure his safety.

Also, because the risk of kidnapping is too great, the presidential girls will not be able to have sleep-overs at friends’ houses. Instead, we might see sleep-overs at the White House.