“Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton’s mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she’s furious. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom’s upset about? … She said his ad featuring Paris is a complete waste of the country’s time and attention. Just like Paris, basically.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, ‘Who’s John McCain?'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush saw the ad today and he said, ‘I had no idea Barack Obama didn’t wear underwear.’ He was stunned when he heard.” -Jay Leno
“Oh, and the McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being elitist and using the race card. Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being old and using the Discover card.” -Jay Leno
“Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don’t they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows.” -Jay Leno
“You ever notice that Congress doesn’t even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three. The three groups you can’t trust to make an adult decision, basically.” -Jay Leno
“Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free.” -Jay Leno
“Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia. He’s gonna visit South Korea, Thailand and China. That’s right, yeah. Or, as Bush refers to them, China, China and China. Not a detail guy” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient.” -David Letterman
“President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. … It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it’s is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It’s a record! He’s now officially — this is true — our most traveled president in history. It’s a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule.” -Jon Stewart
“But there is no denying the president’s a hard-core man of the road. … Bush, of course, also holds the record for most presidential vacation days, 506 and counting. You know, between that and the travel days, I think it’s clear there is something about being at the White House our president cannot stand. [Stewart imitates Bush:] ‘I can’t help but think that I’m sleeping in the same bed where my mom and dad used to do it.’ That is disturbing on many different levels” -Jon Stewart
“China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they’re commonly called in China, jails.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m.” -Conan O’Brien
“Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear.” -Conan O’Brien
“The debates are coming up soon. Yesterday, the moderators for the presidential and vice presidential debates were announced. Two of them are from PBS. That’s right. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘They got Burt and Ernie?'” -Conan O’Brien
