Bill O’Reilly proposes creating a huge mercenary army to fight against ISIS. In character, Stephen Colbert wholeheartedly agrees with him, which manages to piss Bill O’Reilly off. O’Reilly then makes the stupid mistake of attacking Colbert, and Colbert responds hilariously:
There is so much satire and irony in this exchange, even my head is spinning.
“In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, ‘Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called ‘Nuns on the Bus’ kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it’s his way of giving back, while the nuns say it’s God’s way of testing their faith.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Al Qaeda has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline – although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on Myspace.” – Seth Meyers
“The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s brother Doug Ford has announced that he’ll be running in his brother’s place. I don’t think it’s a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as ‘the crazy one.'” – Seth Meyers
“South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.” – Conan O’Brien
Gov. Rick Perry shows once again that he has a bad memory.
You’ve probably heard that a man (who had a knife) jumped the White House fence and made it into the executive mansion before he was tackled by the Secret Service.
So of course, do Republican express concern for our president?
Not Rick Perry. On Tuesday on MSNBC he bragged “Let me tell you – Texas governor’s [security] detail, do not try to run through the governor’s mansion.” He added that if you do try that “You will meet justice.”
I guess he forgot that in 2008 (yes, when Perry was governor), an arsonist succeeded in partially destroying the Texas governor’s mansion. Not only that, but they never caught the person who did it.
Every once in a while, people in positions of power indadvertedly reveal not only that their view of reality is distorted, but also that they really have no idea what they are talking about.
Recently, in response to leaked revelations that the NSA and other law enforcement agencies had pretty much free access to all of your personal communications, Apple and Google both announced that they were turning encryption on by default on iOS and Android. This is significant because Apple and Google will not have access to the encryption keys, which means that they cannot turn over your data to the government, even if they wanted to.
Law enforcement immediately launched a misleading PR offensive saying that this change would be a boon to criminals, including an article in the Washington Post that incorrectly claimed that without the ability to easily read everyone’s private communications, a kidnapping victim would have died.
Even though that story was shown to be false, that didn’t slow down the misinformation. The chief of detectives for Chicago’s police department declared:
Apple will become the phone of choice for the pedophile. The average pedophile at this point is probably thinking, I’ve got to get an Apple phone.
This is insane.
Next, no less than the head of the FBI came out and said to reporters:
I am a huge believer in the rule of law, but I also believe that no one in this country is beyond the law. … What concerns me about this is companies marketing something expressly to allow people to place themselves beyond the law.
Rough translation is that anything you can do to protect your privacy should be illegal because it means that you can hide a crime from law enforcement.
Techdirt responded with a brilliant satire “FBI Director Angry At Homebuilders For Putting Up Walls That Hide Any Crimes Therein“. After all, encryption is nothing more than a wall to protect your privacy, and walls can be (and often are) used to hide crimes. And not just walls. I’m sure that pedophiles have often thought “I’ve got to get some curtains for my windows.”
But the FBI wasn’t done spreading fear:
There will come a day — well it comes every day in this business — when it will matter a great, great deal to the lives of people of all kinds that we be able to with judicial authorization gain access to a kidnapper’s or a terrorist or a criminal’s device. I just want to make sure we have a good conversation in this country before that day comes. I’d hate to have people look at me and say, ‘Well how come you can’t save this kid,’ ‘how come you can’t do this thing.’
This is bullshit.
What’s next? Will law enforcement agencies slam the manufacturers of paper shredders, because they can be used to hide evidence of criminal activity? Will they announce that they could have prevented the Great Recession in 2008 if only paper shredders hadn’t been widely available to investment bankers to hide their illegal and reckless financial transactions?
“Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman.” – Bill Maher
“It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he’s writing policy memos to President Obama. I think I’ll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence.” – Bill Maher
“Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, ‘Don’t you know who I am?!’ And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: ‘ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'” – Bill Maher
“You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.” – David Letterman
“This week President Obama gave a big speech from White House where he outlined his plan to quote ‘degrade and ultimately destroy’ the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, ‘I’ll build their website.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his speech the other night, President Obama announced that he’s counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can’t get the support of the International House of Pancakes.” – David Letterman
“The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas.” – Bill Maher
“Forty-seven percent of Americans feel less safe than before 9/11. But enough about the NRA.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he’s sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not only that but he’s also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL.” – David Letterman
“Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you’re slow if you’re being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough.” – David Letterman
“I always get excited when I come to Washington because I’m that typical tourist; I like to see the sh*t. There’s so many great historical sites: the lobby of The Willard hotel, where we got that name lobbyist, where they used to literally lobby; the tavern where John Adams used to drink; the Capitol where they used to pass laws.” – Bill Maher
“Thirteen years since 9/11, look how far we’ve come. Back then we were scared, over-reacting, about to launch an expensive overseas campaign. But so much has changed. For example, Dick Cheney’s heart is now connected to the iPhone watch.” – Bill Maher
“British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote ‘no’ on leaving the U.K. He said, ‘It’s never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and … I’ll stop talking now.'” – Jimmy Fallon
According to political numbers site 538 the numbers are getting worse. As of this morning, the Republicans now have a 60% probability of winning a majority in the Senate.
Oh well, I guess it just proves once again that you can buy an election in the USA.
Like Nick Hanauer, I am an unrepentant capitalist. But capitalism only works if, as he says, it is well managed. And right now, we are doing a worse than terrible job of managing our capitalists and plutocrats. Income inequality is rising at insane rates. The end result, history has shown us again and again, is either a police state or an uprising. We are already seeing early warning signs of both.
I would add one caveat to his talk, however. Hanauer seems to focus on the minimum wage as a solution, but I think the big problem is not just income inequality, but inequality of opportunity. The American dream is that anyone can succeed if they try, and that is what inspires people (like Hanauer) to work hard and take risks. This only works as long as it is true and people believe it. When people believe that the system is stacked against them, then those people who have the will to succeed will increasingly do it outside the system — like with pitchforks.
Setting the minimum wage to something livable, making a good education available to anyone regardless of wealth, ending discrimination, stopping the wholesale buying of elections — these are all requirements.
Seven simple steps! And you knew someone was going to bring up Hitler, didn’t you?
We have gotten so good at justifying new wars. I just wish we were as good at ending them.
Also, I can’t seem to get rid of this nagging feeling that we are being suckered into this war.
‘During a speech last night, President Obama announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun.’ – Jimmy Fallon
“The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he will watch in five months.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congress sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday demanding ‘the highest level of transparency’ concerning the league’s handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. That’s right, Congress sent him a letter. They would have sent a video, but they wanted Goodell to see it.’ – Seth Meyers
“A new condo development in New York is charging a million dollars for parking spots. A million dollars to park your car — wouldn’t it be cheaper to just get a ticket every day for the rest of your life and park wherever you want?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They’re now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. When President Obama heard that, he said, ‘Hey, wait a minute. I’ll give you $2 million if you will take the place I’m in.'” – David Letterman
“Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to… whatever is in there at this point.” – Jimmy Fallon
Jon Stewart tells Fox News to “shut up” and adds “fuck you and your false patriotism”:
Is it my imagination, or is Jon Stewart actually getting angry about the media noise machine? If so, I love it. Because if we are indeed watching the decline and fall of America, I don’t want it to end with a whimper.
Wow. Just wow. I knew that Republicans were the party of no, but I didn’t realize that they would argue that it would be an abuse of power to just do your frickin’ job.
So here is the situation. Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder has resigned. Obama will now nominate someone, who has to be confirmed by the Senate. Only a majority vote is required (no filibusters are allowed), so this should be pretty straightforward.
But wait. What if Republicans gain a majority in the Senate, which polls are projecting that they will do in November? Then the Senate could block approval of any nominee and hold the nomination hostage until their demands are met. Don’t think they would do this? Did you forget that they recently shut down the entire US government because Obama wouldn’t repeal the ACA?
So the GOP is already calling for delays in any confirmation hearings or votes, even though Obama hasn’t even nominated anyone yet.
Republican senator Ted Cruz is leading the charge, declaring in a statement “Allowing Democratic senators, many of whom will likely have just been defeated at the polls, to confirm Holder’s successor would be an abuse of power that should not be countenanced.”
OMG, he is practically drooling at the prospect of taking over the Senate. He wants the Senate to stop doing anything until then.
I fear that the last two years of the Obama administration are going to see even crazier levels of Republican obstructionism.
Pundits should be given a big dose of their own 20-20 hindsight medicine:
It always amazes me how wrong the pundits are, but for some stupid reason the media keeps putting them on TV to make more stupid prognostications.
“Tonight President Obama will make a prime-time speech about how we’re going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he’s done talking about the NFL, he’ll talk about ISIS.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama was on TV tonight. He gave a prime-time address to detail his plan to stop ISIS. And also to give his pick for tomorrow night’s game between the Ravens and the Steelers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president reassured Americans that while we face no immediate threat from ISIS, we’ve got a ton of bombs sitting around so we’re going to use them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Here is Obama’s 3-part plan. First, we’re going to gather intelligence. Next, we’re going to launch air strikes. And third, his plan is to lose the midterm elections. So he’s got a full plate ahead of him.” – David Letterman
“Guess who we may be partnering with to fight ISIS. None other than Iran. Iran used to be our enemy back, like, last week, but now we may be upgrading our relationship to frenemy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier tonight President Obama spoke to Americans. Obama is getting tough with ISIS. He’s now going to force them to sell their NBA team.” – David Letterman
“It’s never good news when the president addresses the nation in prime time. He never comes out and says, ‘Great job, everybody. I’m throwing y’all a pizza party.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The NFL is, of course, coming under a lot of fire. Today it came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. Then the NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.” – Conan O’Brien
“A federal investigation has found the Department of Homeland Security is ‘ill-prepared’ for a potential disease pandemic. I’m not sure I agree. They did a great job of wiping out Bieber Fever.” – Seth Meyers
“Joe Biden will be in Baltimore this weekend to celebrate the 200th anniversary of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ Yeah, 200 years — or, roughly how long it takes today’s pop singers to finish the national anthem.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as president of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney and changed his title to ‘former president of the United States.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Today The New York Times had to issue a correction after it mistakenly referred to Dick Cheney as a former president. Of course, George W. Bush made that same mistake all the time.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you’re thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? And the answer is … probably.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Mike Tyson traveled to Toronto and met with Mayor Rob Ford. It was a meeting between one of the most dangerous heavyweights ever and Mike Tyson.” – Seth Meyers
“Mike Tyson was in Canada yesterday and actually met up with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Of course, it got weird when someone yelled, ‘Loved you in ‘The Hangover!” and they both said, ‘Thanks!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mike Tyson and Rob Ford had a meeting. If you’d like to see a transcript of their conversation, just have your cat walk back and forth on your keyboard.” – Seth Meyers
The Daily show covers the New York Climate Action march, and contrasts it with the idiots on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology:
Are you worried about the Republicans taking over control of the Senate? Apparently you are in the minority. In fact, only 36% of Americans can correctly identify the party that controls both the House and the Senate.
Interestingly, there is virtually no difference between Republicans and Democrats in answering this question correctly.
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