Political Irony

“Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama’s 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you watch the debate with Christine O’Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn’t that good though. She’s not really a master debater.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Christine O’Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She’ll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell.” – Craig Ferguson

“The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O’Donnell turned him into an actual wolf.” – Craig Ferguson

“The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I’ll tell you why. They don’t have a witch running.” – David Letterman

“People are saying that everything is Obama’s fault – he hasn’t dug us out of Bush’s recession and two wars fast enough. That’s the problem.” – David Letterman

“North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il.” – David Letterman

“The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that there’s no such thing as an expert in economics.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times.” – Jay Leno

“In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, “Oh crap, that was yesterday?” – Jimmy Fallon

“California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That’s how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.” – Jay Leno

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have merged their rallies, with a little help from above:

© Keith Knight

I actually think “I am not a witch” has to be one of the best opening lines of a political ad ever. But she got it slightly wrong. I don’t think she is a witch, I think she is a nutcase.

“A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama’s rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt ‘highly immature’ while Biden called it ‘totally worth it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Someone actually threw a book at the president. When Obama saw something fly by, he said, ‘Christine O’Donnell on a broom!'” – Craig Ferguson

“The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O’Donnell’s resume.” – David Letterman

“Christine O’Donnell’s new ad says she didn’t go to Yale, like her opponent. I don’t think she really needs to tell us that.” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it.” – Jay Leno

“New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino’s pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he’s planning on decorating the governor’s mansion himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.” – Jay Leno

“The White House is becoming like ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Every week, someone is voted off.” – Jay Leno

© Tom Tomorrow

So, how many of these things do you think will come true? I’m definitely betting on #4 (next to last). After all, they did it to Clinton and they’ve been doing everything but to Obama. And unfortunately, they will probably try #2, but will likely fail.

© David Horsey

“President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can’t imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election.” – Jay Leno

“Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs.” – Jay Leno

“At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he’d ever seen. You don’t do that. Just give them some candy.” – Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump is running for president. He’s not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it’s official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring.” – David Letterman

“Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes’ list of the most powerful women in the world. I’m not saying Pelosi’s jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Carl Paladino’s pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I’m thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn’t mean anything.” – Craig Ferguson

© Tom Toles