Political Irony

“John Edwards’s mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on ‘Oprah’ today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses’ marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that’s not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I’m sure that’s what it was.” – Jay Leno

“Rielle Hunter appeared on ‘Oprah’ to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. Not to be outdone, next week, John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Why is this woman on ‘Oprah’? Shouldn’t she be On ‘Maury Povich’? ‘John Edwards, you are the father!'” – Jay Leno

“And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it’s best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he’s against giving them driver’s licenses.” – Jay Leno

“Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos.” – Jay Leno

“They’re not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state’s drug supply.” – Jay Leno

“Former President George Bush is writing his memoir, and his wife, Laura Bush, also writing a book called, I believe, ‘From the Heart.’ And she talks about one time she and her husband, she believes when they were at a summit meeting in Germany, they were actually poisoned. That’s German food for you.” – David Letterman

“Publishers announced that former President George Bush’s book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called ‘Decision Points.’ The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney.” – Jay Leno

“And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it’s now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a show on CBS called ‘The Mentalist.’ It’s about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that’s a lying weasel. He’s that good.” – David Letterman

“And the White House’s top budget director — a man named Peter Orszag — warned that out-of-control deficits will mortgage our future to foreign creditors. Now, of course, people were stunned when they heard this. ‘What? The White House has a budget director? Where has he been?'” – Jay Leno

“And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he’ll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese.” – Jay Leno

“A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Dan Wasserman

If the Tea Party wants to protest socialism, they should start with all the corporate welfare handed out by our government. Like federal subsidies to agribusiness and defense contractors, and local tax breaks to big businesses for “creating jobs” (when it is small businesses that create jobs).

“This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there’s nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?’ There’s never been a WWII movie that didn’t include the line, `Show me your papers.’ It’s their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,’ Hitler’s family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that’s fascism. I know, I know, it’s a dry fascism, but it’s still fascism.” – Seth Meyers

“Arizona’s Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed.” – Bill Maher

“The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves teabaggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can’t even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it’s like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.” – Bill Maher

“One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.” – Jay Leno

“New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don’t think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.” – Jay Leno

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty … He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.'” – Bill Maher

“Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don’t worry, he’s getting his own show on TBS.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.’s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I’d order a wine cooler.” – Bill Maher

© Lee Judge