“As you know, a big holiday is coming next week here in Los Angeles and Mexico: Sicko de Mayo.” – Jay Leno
“Hi, I’m Jimmy. I’m the host of the show. Let’s make this quick. I have to get back into my quarantine bubble.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the U.S. government is saying look out for the swine flu, which apparently comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with that country. So, the U.S. is going to be fine.” – David Letterman
“To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn’t work.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Give you an idea how bad it is with the swine flu, earlier today, the U.S. took down the wall between the United States and Mexico and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.” – Jay Leno
“Anyone here have the swine flu? You know, they say the best way to steer clear of it is to avoid congregating in large groups. Obviously, that message did not get to any of you.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Remember the good old days when we thought the only bad pork was in the Federal budget?” – Jay Leno
“They traced the origin of the new strain of swine flu back to one little piggy who went to market when he should have stayed home.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its start in Mexico and came up here? Employees.” – Jay Leno
“They say this swine flu is pretty rough, if you happen to get it. In fact, on the news today, I heard a commentator say, ‘You wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy.’ People always say that about something that’s really bad. But are you all hoping that Osama bin Laden or Bernard Madoff doesn’t get this?” – Jay Leno
“Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan.” – Jay Leno
“Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President’s plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is, I mean, this is exciting. Air Force One was in New York City and apparently nobody knew. They didn’t make the call. Hello! Air Force One comes to New York City and wants to take some pictures. They send it right up and start buzzing New York City. I mean, isn’t this something you would expect from the Bush Administration?” – David Letterman
“President Obama is now saying that the flyover was a mistake. If you’re scoring at home, by the way, Obama still trails Bush in the mistake total by about 10,000. So we’re okay.” – David Letterman
“Did you see that, the 747 jet flying low over New York City? It caused a huge panic. Some government idiot thought it would be a good idea to buzz the city to get pictures of planes flying over the Statue of Liberty. But they didn’t warn anybody. What’s the government’s next big idea? ‘Hey, let’s send a guy in a pirate costume to Captain Richard Phillips’ house.'” – Jay Leno
“So, they fly Air Force One up here and take a photo of it at the Statue of Liberty. Next, the Bronx Zoo. Plane had its picture taken at the Bronx Zoo. After that, it went to Yankee Stadium and had its picture taken there. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It’s here tonight. How about a nice hand for Air Force One? It’s here.” – David Letterman
“Here’s something else I didn’t want to bring up but I have to. You folks in the balcony, be careful. You may be buzzed by Air Force One. So look out.” – David Letterman
“It’s a very bad day in America for people who swear, because, today, the Supreme Court said that the government can continue its crackdown on TV swearing. In fact, I can’t even say crackdown.” – Craig Ferguson
“By the way, tomorrow, I believe, marks 100 days for President Obama in office as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, to give you an idea what else is going on, today, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.” – David Letterman
“President Obama, if you take a look at it, has accomplished quite a lot in his first 100 days. By way of comparison, take a look at George W. Bush’s first 100 days in office. This is in his memoir. So, according to that, Bush spent 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.” – David Letterman
“And I love this. At the Summit of the Americas, the leaders of Cuba, Nicaragua, and Venezuela all agreed that capitalism will destroy the planet. Then they all hopped in their private jets and returned to their huge palaces.” – Jay Leno
“And in a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about Arlen Specter, the senator? He left the Republican Party and became a Democrat. What?! It’s very odd, to switch teams like this. Who does he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?” – Craig Ferguson
“This really is big, because Specter’s move puts the Democrats within a hair’s breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate’s balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. What a country!” – Jon Stewart
“Specter announced he’d become a Democrat and the Republicans are like, ‘Yeah, he’s been a Democrat for about 15 years.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted donkey flu. Folks, this disease is now officially out of control. Back in 2004, we thought we had it contained to the coasts and the cities, but then it mutated and tore through the country. Republicans tried to fight it off, but their white cells weren’t strong enough, although they were very, very white. Now, we should have seen this coming, folks. Specter was exhibiting the classic symptoms of donkey flu: mild fever, and being 21 points behind in Republican primary polls. I want to warn Maine Republican Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins to take every possible precaution. Donkey flu is highly contagious and virtually incurable.” – Stephen Colbert
“Great to be back. As you know, I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico.” – Jay Leno
