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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, October 7, 2016

[Jokes from Sept. 14, 2016]

“Today Republican candidate Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on ‘The Dr. Oz Show’. Which is an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump taped an appearance on ‘Dr. Oz’ today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, ‘At least you know what they’re putting in it.’ Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, ‘You keep telling yourself that.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump will appear on ‘Dr. Oz’ tomorrow, while his traditional doctor will appear on ‘Law & Order SVU’: ‘I didn’t know she took all of those pills!'” – Seth Meyers

“If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on ‘Dr. Oz’ is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father.” – James Corden

“Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy.” – James Corden

“Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as ‘a national disgrace’ and ‘an international pariah’. Trump was like, ‘Listen, I love Pariah. I have all of her albums. So that’s a compliment to me.'” – Seth Meyers

“In newly leaked emails, former Secretary of State Colin Powell calls Hillary Clinton ‘greedy’, and Donald Trump ‘a disgrace’, and Dick Cheney an ‘idiot’. In response, Americans everywhere said, ‘Hey, three for three.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls Donald Trump ‘a national disgrace.’ Trump was furious and said, ‘Hey, I’m an international disgrace.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are also failed casino owners.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens is going up for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump calls it, ’20 walls’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama’s college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson took out a full-page ad in today’s New York Times asking to be included in the first debate. Green Party candidate Jill Stein took a full-page ad out of The New York Times and folded it into a neat little hat.” – Seth Meyers

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Not Charitable!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

It turns out that when we were calling the Trump Foundation a charity, we were being extremely charitable. Because it turns out that our presidential candidate who claims to be a genius businessman didn’t even bother to file the paperwork to register the foundation as a charity. Or file any of the reports required of a charity.

Not only that, but Real Clear Politics did a study of the Trump Foundation’s filings (which are public) and found that Trump repeatedly used money from his Foundation to secure endorsements and other personal benefits to advance his political campaign. So Trump’s charity, which wasn’t actually a charity, was using other people’s money to buy political influence. Which makes it doubly illegal.

I guess because rules — like paying taxes, or against calling yourself a charity or a university fraudulently — “are for the little people”, not Donald Trump.

So, how did the Trump campaign respond to this? As usual, they attacked. During the vice presidential debate, Mike Pence flat-out lied by insisting that only 10% of the Clinton Foundation’s money goes to charitable endeavors. According to PolitiFact and major charity watchdog groups, the number is actually at least 87%.

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The Wall

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Ted Rall
© Ted Rall

It’s true, there are more Mexicans leaving the US than coming into it. So building a wall doesn’t make any sense at all.

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Winning Temperament?

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

John Oliver brilliantly takes Trump to task for his self-proclaimed winning temperament and for quoting bogus polls:

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Political Dance

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Why can’t we have a dancing debate? Maybe we can!

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Why Watch the Vice Debate?

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Tuesday night is the debate of the Vice Presidential candidates: Governor Mike Pence of Indiana and Senator Tim Kaine of Virginia. Most people don’t know who these people are, but that shouldn’t deter anyone from watching them debate.

First of all, if Trump is elected he would be the oldest person ever to assume the presidency. If Clinton is elected, she would be the second oldest. So their vice presidential picks have a better than normal chance of assuming the presidency.

Second, who a presidential candidate picks to be their second says a lot about the candidate.

In particular, I think it will be good for people to get to know Tim Kaine. It turns out that I know someone well who lives in the same city as Kaine, and is friends with him. He thinks Kaine is great. I think he could be a rising star in the Democratic party, so he is worth getting to know.

Besides, this may be our only chance to see a debate about actual policies for a change, which is something we claim we want to see.

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Pot Meet Kettle

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Republicans just pushed through a law that will allow victims of 9/11 to sue Saudi Arabia in US courts. The law would allow courts to waive claims of foreign sovereign immunity (because terrorism). Obama vetoed it, and the Republicans swiftly overrode his veto.

There’s just one huge problem. The new law will open up the US to lawsuits for things we have done in other countries. You know, like invading Iraq on false pretenses for starters. Not to mention torturing people. And a long list of other things we have done around the world, where the US is at least as complicit as Saudi Arabia was in 9/11. The bill will also of course make it more difficult for Saudi Arabia to continue helping us fight terrorism and the Islamic State.

Now here’s the ironic part. The Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell is now blaming the White House for not warning the Republicans that this bill could have these disastrous unintended consequences.

Thanks Obama.

You know, the problem isn’t just Trump. It is time to take a long close look at the Republicans and their “shoot first and ask questions later” attitude. They were in such a hurry to pass this bill to make it look like they support 9/11 victims they didn’t pay any attention to what a disaster it would turn out to be. And now they are trying to blame it on Obama.

roge160930
© Rob Rogers

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

[Jokes from Sept. 13, 2016]

“Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who’s ever been home sick from work, she’s just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, ‘Nope, we’re pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s ‘just anxious to get back out there.’ That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, ‘Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.'” – James Corden

“Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton?” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted ‘a few times’. Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F, and C.” – Seth Meyers

“Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine.” – Seth Meyers

“It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump.” – Stephen Colbert

“Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump’s voters as a ‘basket of deplorables’. Wow. Hillary should put her insults in ‘the hamper of awkwardness’.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer.” – Conan O’Brien

“A fistfight broke out at a Trump rally yesterday. Or, more accurately, a Trump rally broke out during a fistfight.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump is currently projected to have the necessary 270 Electoral College votes to clinch the election. So you know what that means — a dance off!” – Seth Meyers

“Last night was the big season premiere of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, ‘They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During last night’s ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte’s performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened.” – Conan O’Brien

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Billion Dollar Loser!

Monday, October 3, 2016

According to the NY Times, in 1995 Donald Trump declared on his taxes that he lost $918 million. How can someone claim to be a good businessman when they have lost almost a billion dollars in one year? Second, because our tax code is tilted toward the rich, this almost certainly meant that Trump didn’t have to pay any income taxes for 18 years.

Trump and his surrogates immediately tried to claim that this proves that Trump is smart. Trump himself said “I know our complex tax laws better than anyone who has ever run for president and am the only one who can fix them.” But he’s already released his plans to revamp the tax code, and all they contain are more tax breaks for the rich. Tax experts who have reviewed his plans say they would do nothing to stop people like Trump from avoiding all taxes, and in fact would tilt our tax system even more toward the rich.

Besides, Trump has a long history of blasting other people for not paying taxes. So how does not paying any taxes make him smart?

When that tactic didn’t help, Trump (now flailing a bit) tried to suggest (with absolutely no evidence) that Hillary Clinton had cheated on Bill. This from Trump, who very publicly cheated on his first wife.

UPDATE: A tweet puts this insanely large failure and loss that Trump precipitated in 1995 in perspective. In 1995, the total net operating loss (NOL) for every company in the US was $49.331 billion. That means that Trump’s loss of $916 million (which is $1.5 billion in today’s dollars) was 1.9% off all business losses for that year. It is beyond belief that anyone could possibly lose that much money.

We sometimes talk about “the 1%” — the 1% richest people in the world. How stupid and incompetent would you have to be to singlehandedly lose almost 2% of all business losses for the entire US? We will never know, unless Trump releases his tax returns. And if you lost that much money, you would be insanely deep in debt. To whom does Trump owe money? Who is pulling his strings? The Russians? Criminals? Worse? Again, we will never know unless Trump releases his tax returns.

UPDATE2: According to one expert on tax avoidance, a likely answer (to how you lose that much money) is that Trump only lost that money “on paper” and didn’t actually lose much of any real money. To do that, he would “park” the debt in some offshore entity which holds the debt but never collects it. That way Trump still has the loss on his books, where it won’t actually cost him anything but he can still use it to offset his taxes. In other words, Trump’s loss was an accounting fiction.

UPDATE3! Donald Trump claims that he “brilliantly” used tax law to pay a minimum of taxes, and his surrogates say that Trump is a “genius” at avoiding paying taxes. But his former accountant (who prepared the tax returns leaked to the NY Times) refuted that, and pointed out that Trump had nothing to do with figuring his taxes other than signing them.

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From Failure to Failure?

Monday, October 3, 2016

Tom Toles
© Tom Toles

It seems pretty clear that the only way Trump knows how to win is to cheat, lie, threaten, and whine. To me, that clearly makes him a loser.

If the only way an athlete could win at a sport was to break the rules, lie, and whine that he was treated unfairly and threaten the judges if they didn’t give him what he wanted, we would naturally call that person a loser.

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Debate, Live from Saturday Night!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Pretty funny!

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Trump at his Finest?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Jack Ohman
© Jack Ohman

Donald Trump walked right into a trap set by Hillary Clinton at the debate, and now that he was caught like a deer in the headlights calling former Miss Universe Alicia Machado “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping” (both sexist and racist!), Trump can’t stop himself and is doubling and even tripling down.

Initially, Trump congratulated himself for his restraint in not bringing up Monica Lewinsky, and then of course not only did he bring it up repeatedly, he instructed his surrogates to start pounding that ancient story to death, which is likely to backfire on him.

Then it started getting bizarre. A tweet from Trump accused Machado of appearing in a pornographic video. Except she never did, and ironically Trump himself has appeared in a pornographic Playboy video.

Trump desperately needs the support of more women in order to win the election, but he can’t stop being a sexist pig and insulting them.

Tim Eagan
© Tim Eagan

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, October 2, 2016

[Jokes from Sept. 12, 2016]

“This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it’s also the top-selling item at KFC.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump’s usual order at KFC. ‘I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy.'” – Seth Meyers

“RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton’s attack on Donald Trump’s supporters and said, ‘Clinton’s comments show outright contempt for ordinary people.’ Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, ‘Oh God, I might actually have to be the president.'” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, ‘Hey, if anyone’s too hot it’s my daughter Ivanka.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone’s surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she’s sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But today on Fox News Trump actually said, ‘I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail.’ I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK?” – James Corden

“I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, ‘Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, ‘Man, I wish.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. ‘Wait, you wanted me to save those?’ said his doctor.” – Seth Meyers

“After Hillary Clinton’s health scare yesterday, Donald Trump has said he will release his medical records and he said he’s expecting some ‘very large numbers’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Green Party candidate Jill Stein said on Sunday that she would not have assassinated Osama bin Laden, but instead would have captured him and brought him to trial. I would say that will hurt her poll numbers but she only has one.” – Seth Meyers

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Girl Talk at the Trump Tower

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Maurine Dowd has a hilarious op-ed in the NY Times. Here’s just the start:

LET’S stop being so hard on Donald Trump.

He has done us an enormous public service.

After this down-and-dirty battle of the sexes, we will never look at gender in politics the same way.

For centuries, women were seen as unfit to hold public office. Ambition, power and business were the province of men. Unlike gossipy feminine chatter in the parlor, manly discourse was considered impersonal, unemotional, forthright and reasonable.

Every minute of every day, Trump debunks that old “science” when he shows that the gossipy, backbiting, scolding, mercurial, overly emotional, shrewish, menopausal one in this race is not the woman.

Trump is surrounded by a bitchy sewing circle of overweight men who are overwrought at the prospect of a distaff Clinton presidency.

Newt Gingrich, Chris Christie, Roger Ailes and Rudy Giuliani are the Really Desperate Housewives of Trumpworld. They are so shrill that Trump sometimes needs to remind them that he’s the Queen Bee.

There is plenty more to laugh at. Go read it.

Who knew that Trump is really a 13 year old girl?

UPDATE: Here is a sneak preview of the cover of The New Yorker from next week:

Barry Blitt
© Barry Blitt

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Escher in the Trump

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Matt Wuerker
© Matt Wuerker

“And he’s buying the stairway to heaven”.

Speaking of Trump everywhere, what do you do when someone you love becomes irrationally enamored of Trump? Read “The 7 Stages of Grief When A Loved One Supports Trump“. Remember, you are not alone.

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