Political Irony

[Jokes from May 11, 2016]

“Yesterday on ‘Good Morning America,’ Joe Biden said he is ‘confident’ that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, ‘Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows Hillary Clinton just one point ahead of Donald Trump nationally. And now Canada is thinking about building a wall.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton could lose all the remaining primaries and she’ll still get the nomination, but at this point Bernie has a better chance of being drafted by an NBA team than being the nominee.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people, Bernie Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin’ Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it’s like the Spice Girls.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump won last night’s Nebraska Republican primary with 61% of the vote. Which is impressive until you remember he’s the only one left running.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump also dominated last night’s West Virginia Republican primary with 76% of the vote. Trump told the press that he did really well with black voters, but it turned out they were just coal miners.” – Seth Meyers

“NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.”” – Conan O’Brien

“Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz are saying they’re not ready to support Donald Trump. What do you have to do to get ready to support someone? Is it like getting a wax?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said this morning that he will not be changing his tone as he gears up for the general election, and said, quote, ‘You win the pennant, and now you’re in the World Series. You gonna change?’ Well, it depends. Did you win the pennant because you’re really good, or because your division stinks?” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from May 9, 2016]

“Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won’t support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that’s also known, ‘a Facebook post’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, ‘Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.'” – Conan O’Brien

“House Speaker Paul Ryan today defended himself against criticism from fellow Republicans over his reluctance to endorse Donald Trump and said, ‘I just want to get to know the guy.’ ‘Us, too’, said Eric and Donald Jr.” – Seth Meyers

“On ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, ‘I don’t know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.’ Then his butlers said, ‘Just barely’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet.” – Seth Meyers

“A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.” – Stephen Colbert

“The guy says whenever he deals with Bernie supporters they don’t pay him — as opposed to the Trump supporters, who make Mexico pay him.” – Stephen Colbert

“This morning, Bernie Sanders held a rally in Atlantic City. Sanders said, ‘I have a lot in common with Atlantic City — we were both in our prime in the 1920s.'” – Conan O’Brien

“North Korea’s ruling political party announced today that they will be giving leader Kim Jong Un a new title. I’m gonna guess: Is it the heavyweight title?” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from May 6, 2016]

“Everybody is getting into the spirit for Mother’s Day, even Donald Trump, who tweeted: ‘Happy Mother’s Day! The best tuna casserole is made at Trump Tower Grill. I love mothers.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After speaking out against Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall, former Mexican President Vicente Fox has invited Trump to Mexico as a peace offering. Fox was like, ‘When you land, just look for my driver ‘El Chapo’.” –J immy Fallon

“Then Trump invited Vicente Fox to Trump Tower Grill to see what real Mexican food tastes like.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from May 5, 2016]

“In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Donald Trump tweeted a picture of himself eating a taco bowl. Then, Trump tried to get Mexico to pay for it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump observed Cinco de Mayo. He posted this on Facebook, ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!’ There you go. All is forgiven. He even built a little wall around the Mexican salad so it doesn’t get on his American desk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“‘It’s Cinco de mayo!’ said Chris Christie as he finished his fifth jar of mayonnaise.” – Seth Meyers

“Today is the Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo. Or as it will be known under President Trump, ‘May the Goddamn Fifth.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump has graciously said that he’s willing to consider some of his previous Republican rivals [for vice president], as long as they don’t remember any of the things he said about them. So we might be looking at the ticket of ‘Trump/Liar 16’, ‘Trump/Low Energy 16’, ‘Trump/A Face Like That 16’, and ‘Trump/Lil’ Sweaty Guy 16′. All winning tickets.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump said his vice presidential pick might be one of his presidential rivals. When asked which one, Trump said, ‘I haven’t decided yet if it’s the liar, the loser, or the fat pig.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has already started outlining plans for what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. Once he’s done outlining, he’s going to start coloring it in. ‘What’s the best color for walls?'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, the four horsemen will be scheduled to appear. He’ll get to work chiseling Roosevelt’s face on Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If Bernie Sanders is elected, he plans on spending the first 100 days figuring out the Lincoln Bedroom DVR.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Despite falling behind in delegates, Bernie Sanders insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.” –Conan O’Brien

“Bernie’s reportedly running out of money. They’re said to be low on cash. His fundraising fell in April partly due to the fact that most of his donors were at Coachella for most of April.” – Jimmy Kimmel

We’re still all reeling from Tuesday’s primary in Indiana. Bernie Sanders scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. Which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on ‘The Walking Dead.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders said yesterday that he intends to do everything that he can to prevent a Donald Trump presidency. Though I don’t know what he can try that Donald Trump hasn’t tried already.” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and the first lady were seen dancing with R2D2 and Storm Troopers yesterday in honor of Star Wars day. But C-3PO wasn’t there — that’s just how the president dances.” – Seth Meyers