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Muslims for Trump

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

[This is a guest post from Mahmood Shaukat]

In the election of Donald Trump may lie the salvation of American Muslims. My bags are packed; I’m ready to prove my loyalty to the United States of America by voluntarily moving into an internment camp. Hopefully, implemented under President Trump, these camps will be the biggest and best camps – ever. Obviously, built with my best interests in mind, these facilities will keep me safe from my Muslim self.

Decision making will come briskly under President Trump. His cabinet will be a match made in heaven. A triangle of portfolios to die (figuratively) for: Donald Trump as the President, Dr. Ben Carson as Dick Cheney, oops, I mean as the Vice President and Mr. Hukka-bee, as the Secretary of State. Other obvious appointments will have to be Mr. Sean Hannity as the White House Press Secretary and the very brief ceremonial appointment of UN Ambassador will be a toss-up between Michael Savage and Glenn Beck.

Those in the know predict: The Trump Presidency will have two most urgent top priorities. They will be even more important than repatriating the immigrants (illegal or not), to their homelands or building the Great Wall of Mexico (naming rights will belong to the builder):

1. Save the US from the United Nations.
2 Deliver the Muslims to their 72 virgins in waiting.

I clearly envision President Trump on TV, delivering his inaugural address and revealing the true meaning of the letters, “UN”. The letter U stands for the United States and the letter “N” stands for “No” to other nations, hence no need for the UN. The master deal maker knows best. No country dare challenge him or else. Say hello to the new big Trump United Plaza just off 1st Avenue and 43rd Street.

On the Muslim front, Prez Trump will have the inspirational advice of Vice President Carson and SOS, Hack-a-bee. Muslims of America will have to decide: live under the Law of Carson and Meccabee or bye, bye – go back to looking for a place to live under Sharia! Gone will be the days of living under the protection of the Constitution and believing in the separation of Mosque and State.

Meanwhile, if the SOS is successful and his prayers become a reality, Muslim countries from Tunisia to Indonesia can kiss their behinds good-bye. The nuke-fest they’ll experience will put Shock & Awe to shame.

There may be some unfortunate radiation side effects. Half of the Indian population may become ash due to the nuking of evil Iran, untrustworthy Pakistan and the hell-hole Afghanistan. Israel may suffer the same fate, an undue consequence of nuking Muslim Egypt, Jordan and ISIS Syria.

When the President will be asked for his comment on wiping out almost 1.2 billion Muslims, his reaction: “So?” will be for the ages. SOS Muckabee will claim ownership of the miracle: “The sacrifices of our Judeo Christian Jewish brothers and sisters have not gone to waste. The world is rid of the menace and the path is clear for the early arrival of the Messiah.”

I wouldn’t like to be around when the Messiah learns that He has been summoned unannounced for a re-entry and hears about the deeds done in His name to bring Him back.

I have recently became a US Citizen; My dilemma will be on how to manage the pledge I have made to preserve protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Meanwhile, Mr. Trump, Dr. Carson and Mr. Huckabee should avoid looking themselves in the mirror. They’ll be surprised to see their reflection with turbans on their heads and beards on their faces.

Mahmood Shaukat
New York

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

“Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn’t using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night Donald Trump had a big rally at the American Airline center in Dallas. Thousands of people came out to see him. Arena staff estimated the numbers between 9,000 and 15,000 people. ‘USA Today’ put the crowd at 17,000 people. The Trump Campaign says there were well over a million people there to cheer him on. It really is incredible how much bragging Donald Trump can squeeze into speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.” – Conan O’Brien

“People started lining up hours before the door opened. Some made up their minds they like Trump and others were there to learn more about a candidate they are considering. He speaks to us as Americans because it’s not politics as usual anymore. This is politics as unusual.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on Trump. In fact, the creator of ‘Dilbert’ predicted that Trump will win the presidency, and also compared him to Jesus. And people hope he’s right – cuz they would LOVE a three-day break from Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.” – Conan O’Brien

“New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon.” – Seth Meyers

“I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb’s baggage and he was like, ‘You lost my brother?!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow night’s second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say ‘shhh…'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby.” – Conan O’Brien

“And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt ‘used’ by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, ‘Um, hello! That’s like 99 percent of my day!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college. It doesn’t give you a number, just tells you which Starbucks you’ll be working at and for how long.” – Conan O’Brien

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Risky Business

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Why is it that people become terrified over insignificant things, while totally ignoring the things that are really killing us.

And I think I am safe to say that this is not something that is limited to right wingers. For example, liberals who are afraid of immunizations.

In fact, liberals are generally afraid of things people put into their bodies, like gluten (or wheat), cow’s milk, nuts, or MSG. If you see someone eating a corn dog, a Twinkie, deep-fried butter, or even meatloaf, they are probably not a liberal. In fact, conservatives are 64% more likely to eat fast food a few times per week, and are 50% more likely to say that there is no significant difference between organic and processed food.

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The Capitalism of Scarcity, On Drugs

Monday, September 28, 2015

Chan Lowe
© Chan Lowe

I’m sure everyone has heard way too much about Martin Shkreli, the jerk who somehow managed to give hedge fund managers a bad name (make that a worse one than they already had).

What was the most terrible thing he did? Was it buying a 62-year-old inexpensive drug and increasing its price to $750 per pill? Or was it claiming that it was still underpriced, because the people who needed to buy it would likely die without it? Or was it when he took to twitter and started calling people “moron” (and other names) when they questioned his almighty profit motive?

Never mind that when he was a hedge fund manager he tried to manipulate FDA regulations on drug companies so he could short their stocks. Or that the last drug company he started fired him and is now suing.

Ok, there is plenty of evidence that he is an asshole. But don’t take everyone’s word for it, just listen to him yourself (if you can):

The real question is, what are we going to do about it? Shkreli has done us a huge favor. He has shown us the natural result of unregulated capitalism in an inelastic market. This is why monopolies used to be illegal, and should be again. When somebody corners the market on something you can’t live without, that isn’t commerce, it is robbery, extortion, and homicide.

And Shkreli is not the first robber baron to do this. Not even close.

But now that Shkreli has rolled back the price, are we just going to forget about this? I hope not. There is nothing preventing this from happening over and over again.

And if you aren’t worried because you don’t take any of those drugs whose price can skyrocket, just remember that he is still an asshole. Just wait until someone like Shkreli manages to corner the market on clean water.

I am for free markets, but free markets must be regulated. In fact, free markets cannot exist without regulation. There have to be rules that set a level playing field, otherwise we sink back into feudalism.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, September 28, 2015

“On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It’s too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.” – Jimmy Fallon [I love this joke – iron]

“Just 100 days into his candidacy, Rick Perry has become the first Republican candidate to drop out of the race. Even more disappointing, it was just 10 days after the LensCrafters free return deadline.” – Seth Meyers

“The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend was the annual National Federation of Republican Women Convention. Or as Donald Trump called it, a total dog show. He would do that and his approval rating would go up 15 points.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow ‘X.’ When they asked Trump about the ‘X’ he said, ‘Be more specific. I have many exes.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said in the latest issue of ‘Rolling Stone’ that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat.” – Seth Meyers

“A new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ was unveiled. Donald Trump is out, none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger is in. Apparently the key job requirements they’re looking for are orange and loud … If you have those then he’s got to say, ‘hasta la vista, baby,’ instead of ‘you’re fired!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the next host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’. Yeah, not only did they take the job from Trump, but NBC added insult to injury by giving it to an immigrant.” – Jimmy Fallon

“NBC announced today that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of next season’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Man, wait u” ntil Trump finds out he’s being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby.” – Seth Meyers

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named the new host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Wait until the apprentices find out exactly what you have to do when you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’re going to spend half the show just trying to understand what their assignment is.” – Conan O’Brien

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The Importance of Donald Trump

Sunday, September 27, 2015

New York magazine has a fascinating article “The Importance of Donald Trump” that claims that “Far from destroying our democracy, he’s exposing all its phoniness and corruption in ways as serious as he is not.”

They have a point. Trump is no worse than the rest of the GOP wing-nut presidential aspirants. At his most vulgar, he is simply removing the façade that hides the ugliness of our politics. After all, our politics is just as narcissistic and avaricious as Trump. If Trump is a turd, the rest are merely turds with added polish.

Maybe the truth will set you free.

As an added bonus, Donald Trump appears on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Hilarity ensues:

Maybe Colbert dropping his conservative persona left a void that Trump had to fill. Except that Trump is serious. Which is no stranger than the fact that many conservatives thought Colbert was absolutely serious, when he first started getting famous.

Colbert was right to drop the pretense, when reality became even more pretentious.

UPDATE: NPR, of all places, published a modest proposal that the House of Representatives elect Donald Trump to be Speaker. Ironically, the constitution doesn’t require the Speaker of the House to be an actual Congressperson, so he would be eligible. While he wouldn’t get to vote on legislation, his main job would be doing deals – how perfect is that? And it doesn’t look like any actual member of the House is really all that hot for what must be the most thankless job in the world. Trump could even do some redecorating.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, September 26, 2015

“President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she’s 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can’t tell the difference between their state and Vermont.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yes, Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn’t enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton — I don’t know, read her emails or something?” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton said she’d love to debate Donald Trump, and Bobby Jindal said he’d love to see over the podium.” – Stephen Colbert

“After Donald Trump attacked him on several issues yesterday, second-place GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson told reporters he ‘didn’t want to get into a gladiator fight’ with Trump. Especially since Trump comes with his own helmet.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview with CNN, Bernie Sanders said that he was stunned by the success he has had in the presidential race. That’s right, he’s stunned by his own success — and not, as I had assumed, a Taser.” – Seth Meyers

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Miracles Happen

Friday, September 25, 2015

I usually don’t post things as they are unfolding, preferring to wait until the facts are in. But this is just too ironic.

John Boehner has announced that he is resigning. There seem to be two explanations:

  • Tea Party congressmen were threatening to remove him from the House speakership if he didn’t force a government shutdown by inserting language to defund Planned Parenthood into the upcoming budget bill. His resignation removed their only bargaining point. The director of the Bipartisan Policy Center says “He took a bullet for the country.”
  • He announced his resignation right after an encounter with the Pope. He also cried during the Pope’s address to Congress.

Continuously updating information coming in on the WaPo’s live blog.

Regardless of the reason, my opinion of Boehner has gone way up by the way he handled this. Although I’ve never been a big fan of Boehner, I’ve often thought that he was more of a victim of the really bad situation in Congress. How can anyone keep the government working when any cooperation with the Democrats is treated as tantamount to treason?

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Evidence Free

Friday, September 25, 2015

Republican Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn is the second-highest ranking member of the House energy committee. This is a key committee evaluating the dangers of, and alternatives to, fossil fuels.

And yet, in a documentary about to be released by the BBC, Blackburn was asked what scientific evidence would persuade her that climate change was a threat. She replied “I don’t think you will see me being persuaded.” She also claimed that the earth had cooled in the last 13 years by a degree F, which is nonsense. Finally, when asked if she accepts the theory of evolution she said “No I do not.”

Upton Sinclair famously said “It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!” Funny, I guess I thought Blackburn’s salary was coming from the American people, but I must be mistaken.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, September 25, 2015

“In a new CNN poll released this morning, Donald Trump is still on top, 32 percent among Republican voters, far ahead of his nearest rival. There’s a reason Donald Trump is on top of the CNN poll and that is because he’s constantly on CNN. If CNN and Fox and MSNBC and everyone ran nonstop coverage of Honey Nut Cheerios we would have a box of cereal running the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new CNN poll shows Trump in first place with 32 percent more than his two closest rivals combined. He’s now towering so high in the polls he turned his own bar graph into luxury condos.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is under fire after he was caught saying of his Republican rival Carly Fiorina, ‘Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?’ Then an aide said, ‘Mr. Trump, you’re pointing at a mirror.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today Trump is getting criticized. He made comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, Carly Fiorina. At this point Donald Trump has publicly attacked more women than he’s married. Which is a lot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“With all the talk about the presidential race, it’s easy to forget that we’re still 14 months from Election Day. Which means we’re just nine years away from the end of the Trump presidency.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, Hillary Clinton vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to Bernie Sanders. ‘Fire up the drones!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the ‘Deflategate’ scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today they were hired by the TSA.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. You know we’re setting the bar a little low when the Surgeon General goes from saying ‘We should exercise more’ to ‘Just stand up for once’.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Global Corporate Greed

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Matt Davies
© Matt Davies

Volkswagen, the largest manufacturer of cars in the world, has admitted to cheating on emissions tests.

How bad is this? Eleven million cars were deliberately given sophisticated software that detected when the car was being given an emissions test (detecting that the steering wheel was not being turned even though the accelerator was being pressed, etc.), and reduced pollution so the cars would pass the test. But with the pollution controls on, the cars suffer from poor fuel efficiency and even worse performance, which would have hurt customer sales. So when the cars are not being tested, the pollution controls are disabled, causing the cars to (virtually all the time) pollute up to 40 times more than the legal limits. And the predominant pollutant is one of the most dangerous: nitrous oxides.

VW then marketed these cars as “CleanDiesel”, aggressively promoting their too-good-to-be-true combination of low pollution, excellent fuel economy, and good performance.

To those people who don’t think governments can do anything right, it took the US regulatory agencies to stop this massive fraud. Or if you think the government has no business regulating pollution standards, I beg to remind you that in the US alone, 200,000 deaths a year are caused by air pollution, and in the world, around 7 million deaths a year. That’s one hell of a holocaust every single year. And it costs us trillions of dollars in extra health care costs.

UPDATE: The Audi Superbowl ad has new meaning now (Audi is a subsidiary of VW and used the same evil engine).

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Show Us the Video

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Things are looking pretty bad for Carly Fiorina when even Fox News points out that her high point of the last GOP debate was a lie. Chris Wallace points out to her that no fact checker has been able to find the horrific video that she claims exists:

Do you acknowledge what every fact checker has found… that it was only described on the video… there is no actual footage that you just mentioned?

Of course, Fiorina doubles down and claims again that she has seen it, and accuses the fact checkers of lying:

No, I don’t accept it at all. I’ve seen the footage and I find it amazing that all these supposed fact checkers claim it doesn’t exist. I will continue to dare anyone that wants to defund Planned Parenthood, to watch the videos.

There’s an easy solution. Fiorina should show us the video. Put up or shut up.

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

“According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. ‘Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“These days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed T-shirts, mugs, and trucker caps. Lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named Rand.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton’s ‘Chillary’ drink koozie. It’s her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.” – Stephen Colbert

“You’re not just buying useless crap, you’re doing your patriotic duty to buy useless crap. As Rand Paul says of his own online merchandise, ‘Thomas Jefferson would be proud.’ So much better than Rand’s original slogan, ‘Impress a slaveholder!'” – Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders has a great coffee mug that says ‘Feel the Bern.’ Which Senator Sanders was specifically told by H.R. not to say to his interns.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it?” – Stephen Colbert

“Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give ‘motivational speeches’. I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During yesterday’s rally supporting her opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. She apparently met her husband in a John Steinbeck novel.” – Seth Meyers

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War on Christianity?

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

How the conservatives are welcoming Pope Francis to America:

I don’t think conservatives are the least bit concerned about Christianity. Their religion is money and greed.

My favorite line is when they attack the Pope for being “anti trickle-down economics”. O-M-G!

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Unqualified

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson said on NBC TV that he thinks Muslims are unfit to be president. He claims the president’s faith should be consistent with the US constitution. He was then asked if he considered Islam to be consistent, he said, “No I don’t, I do not. I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

The US constitution specifically says this about religion:

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

Given that the president is required to swear to support the constitution, and Carson just said that being Muslim should disqualify someone from being president, I think Carson has just admitted that he is not fit to be president.

This is especially ironic because this issue has come up in the not-so-distant past. I remember before John F Kennedy was our first Catholic president, many people openly said he should not be elected because he would be taking orders from the Pope. But that was mild compared to the first time a Catholic ran for president, which was Al Smith in 1928:

Even respected intellectuals questioned whether a Catholic could be trusted to be loyal to the county. In a letter published in the Atlantic Monthly, lawyer and religion scholar Charles Marshall detailed the “inevitable and irreconcilable” conflict between Catholic teachings and the Constitution, and demanded that Smith promise not to put his allegiance to the Pope above his allegiance to the country.

We seem to have gotten past that, since now a large number of the current presidential candidates (Bush, Rubio, Santorum, Pataki, Jindal, Christie, and O’Malley) are Catholics.

Even more recently, much was made of Mitt Romney being a Mormon, with people saying that his faith and the presidency were incompatible.

How long will it take before people like Carson (and Trump) lose their religious bigotry? Unfortunately, maybe not until it stops helping them lead in the polls.

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