Political Irony

“Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.” – David Letterman

“Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.” – David Letterman

“This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” – Jay Leno

“They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, ‘How could things get worse?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘You rang?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said ‘Hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I’ve ever made’.” – Conan O’Brien

“People always say this to me: ‘Hey, Letterman’, they say. ‘Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?’ All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.” – David Letterman

“This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.” – Jay Leno

“The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Changing the story until you believe it.'” – Jay Leno

“Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, ‘Well, I did promise change.'” – Conan O’Brien

“China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it.” – Jay Leno

“I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, ‘Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.’ Yeah, ‘Mistakes were made’ – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.” – Jay Leno

“It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with.” – David Letterman

“First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?” – Jay Leno

“Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, ‘Two words fellas: President Biden.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.” – Jay Leno

“The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, ‘We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.” – Jay Leno

“Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents.” – Jon Stewart

“This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tinfoil behatted to the government.” – Jon Stewart

“Folks this proves that everything I’ve ever said about Obama is true. It’s official. He’s a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati.” –Stephen Colbert

“I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.” – Jay Leno

“On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, ‘Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher

“While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to ‘Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi’.” – Jay Leno

“For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama … has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is.” – Bill Maher

“They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn’t one. There is no smoking gun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh — the Iron Man sequel sector?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was down in Texas on his ‘Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour’. Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the ‘Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.'” – Jay Leno

“Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself’.” – Bill Maher

“The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.” – David Letterman

“NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.” – David letterman

“I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It’s eight months if you leave from Newark.” – David letterman

“Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?” – Jay Leno

“The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill that will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow’s got a better chance of passing.” – David letterman

“This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hooters is letting mothers eat for free on Mother’s Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?” – Conan O’Brien

“In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.” – Jay Leno

“What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him.” – Stephen Colbert

“Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.” – Jay Leno

“My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford.” – Stephen Colbert

“Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn’t said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn’t said anything to him since 1998.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.'” – Conan O’Brien

“New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, ‘Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'” – David Letterman

“Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled.” – Jay Leno

“Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.” – David Letterman

“Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.” – Conan O’Brien

“If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we’re going to war with North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, ‘She’s having a little fun being a private citizen.’ And then he added, ‘Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless.” – Conan O’Brien

“The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, ‘Well, that would be great if I had a job.'” – David Letterman

“CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.” – Jay Leno

“Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart.” – David Letterman

“Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands.” – Craig Ferguson

“Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what’s in it, and it’s going to be explosive. It’s the Taco Bell of breaking news.” – Stephen Colbert, on the House hearings on Benghazi