Political Irony

“During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, ‘Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don’t pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won’t hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn’t like Putin’s demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.” – Conan O’Brien

“We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.” – Jay Leno

“U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 Al Qaeda operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?” – Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative – fighting marijuana use through reggae.” – Conan O’Brien

“This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper’s dozen.” – Jay Leno

“Welcome to a very special edition of ‘The Tonight Show.’ The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, that’s why he’s here with me tonight. He’s talking to me personally.” – Jay Leno

“As our studio audience knows, the security today was incredible. In fact, first lady Michelle Obama already had the Secret Service sweep the president’s dressing room for chips, pizza, ice cream – any kind of snack, donut, any kind of sweets.” – Jay Leno

“This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he’s not allowed to have any.” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday to President Obama! He turned 52 over the weekend. You can see he is getting a little grayer. In fact, they are starting to call him ‘The Silver Fox.’ That’s because most of the silver in his hair was caused by Fox.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries. ” – Jay Leno

“Photos of the royal baby’s birth certificate have surfaced. Kate’s occupation on the document is listed as ‘princess’. It’s always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn’t believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Global Secular Humanist Movement

“At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan’s smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a ‘slut bag’. But Weiner says he won’t fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, ‘How about we just stand side by side?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“More problems for America’s creepiest mayor, San Diego’s Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would’ve come forward sooner but the line was too long.” – Jay Leno

“Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it’s only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.” – Jay Leno

“In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever – this is real – Filner’s lawyer said if there’s any liability, it’s the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!” – Jay Leno

“It seems an audio sex tape that Monica Lewinksy recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their affair back in the 1990s has now been leaked to the National Enquirer. With all these scandals involving Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, it’s nice to see an old pro come out of retirement and show these guys how it’s done.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain’s getting old. He also said he’d consider voting for oatmeal.” – Craig Ferguson

“Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That’s fine, but what about a ban on texting while you’re running for mayor? Why can’t we get a ban on that?” – David Letterman

“Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois.” – Conan O’Brien

Andy Richter: “What the national language of the United States?”
Conan O’Brien: “Third grade English.”

“Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, ‘Anything but Cinnabon’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big ‘Smurfs’ movie sequel is out. It’s cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, ‘Who am I to judge them?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama is going to appear on ‘The Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno. That’s going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, ‘The important thing is I haven’t lost my phone’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know if I believe this or not, but there’s this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA’s biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He’s gonna need a job. We’ve seen his promo package.” – Jay Leno

“A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world’s three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you’re done. No competition.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first musical’.” – David Letterman

“Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that’s what the Tony Awards are for.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.” – John Oliver

“Al Qaeda announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.” – Conan O’Brien

“The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City.” – David Letterman