Political Irony

“If you think about it in certain terms, Obama has had a good year. First bin Laden, then Moammar Gadhafi. Next, Robert Wagner.” – David Letterman

“It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale.” – Jay Leno

“Don’t worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he’s appointing a super duper committee.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama came home after a 9-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?” – David Letterman

“I’m not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, ‘Well, if he’s found guilty.'” – Jay Leno

“Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don’t need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he’s going to take that message across America to all 30 states.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.” – David Letterman

“I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, ‘I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he’s the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing’s for sure, nobody’s ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama’s easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a ‘gotcha’ question. That’s when you know things are bad: When you’re attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked ‘No Country for Old Men.’ Rick Perry chose ‘Clueless.’ Michele Bachmann chose ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,’ and Herman Cain chose ‘Snatch.'” – Jay Leno

“There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.” – Jay Leno

“Thank you, the TSA. For celebrating your 10th birthday this month, I got you a very special package, mine.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it’s starting to look really bad for his seventh term.” – David Letterman

“In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You’re next, people who use the internet at the public library.” – Craig Ferguson

“Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he’s going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out.” – Jay Leno

“At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry.” – Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.” – Conan O’Brien

“The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn’t easy. He had to ask the Republicans for permission first.” – Craig Ferguson

“The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, ‘Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let’s go down to 2 percent.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay.” – Jay Leno

Yesterday was Jon Stewart’s birthday. Shouldn’t this be a national holiday or something, say National Day After Jon Stewarts Birthday Day? Maybe not. If we formalized it, O’Reilly would probably declare war on NDAJSB-Day and spoil it for everyone.

For now we celebrate under the Fox radar with some of the best Jon Stewart quotes:

“I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn’t realize is that those people are a**holes.” — Jon Stewart

“We have got to pay those bailed out firm CEOs top dollar. Otherwise those companies could end up being run by a couple of jackasses who f**k things up so royally, it torpedoes the entire global economy.” — Jon Stewart

“Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator’. You can’t even use the word ‘rich’. You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'” — Jon Stewart

“It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot.” — Jon Stewart, reflecting on vitriolic political rhetoric in the wake of the Arizona shootings

“What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?” — Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

“It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, ‘You know, there’s something wrong with this mirror.'” — Jon Stewart to the GOP base

“Have you learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it — and if the news doesn’t fit your narrative, change your f**king news.” — Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC

“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values — they’re hobbies. You know, one of the genius moves of The Founders was not writing The Bill of Rights on the back window of a dusty van.” — Jon Stewart, reacting to clip of Bill O’Reilly disagreeing with Barack Obama’s inaugural speech statement that America does not need to compromise its values in order to protect itself

“Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.” — Jon Stewart

“Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?” — Jon Stewart

“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?” — Jon Stewart

“The season wouldn’t feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.” — Jon Stewart on the ‘War on Christmas’

“I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.” — Jon Stewart

“This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let’s say, I don’t know, two and a half months ago, that they didn’t want to pay taxes anymore. The tea party is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?” — Jon Stewart, on the tea party protests

This list could go on forever yet it’s still growing. If you need more now, Daniel Kurtzman has an app that provides one classic Stewart quip at a time until Carpal Tunnel Syndrome stops you.
– Iron Filing