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[fake news by Andy Borowitz]

Julian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats, Twofacebook

WikiLeaks Founder Plans ‘Portal of Deceit’

Moments after being released on bail, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was already making plans for his next venture, a social network for diplomats called Twofacebook.

Mr. Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: “I realized that diplomats didn’t have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them.”

Saying that he hopes to build the site into a “portal of deceit,” Mr. Assange said, “This will be a must-visit destination on the Internet for sworn enemies to friend each other.”

The WikiLeaks founder said that Twofacebook would also enable members of the diplomatic community to share information about music, movies and TV shows “that they say they like but actually detest.”

Additionally, he said he had high hopes for the site’s first online game, Harmville, in which diplomats can kill or maim each other’s sheep.

[See also SNL pointing out that Julian Assange gives you secret information on corporations for free and he’s a villian, while Mark Zuckerberg gives your secret information to corporations for money, and he’s man of the year.]

[A reader suggests an alternate site for people who can’t get along: yourfaceandmyassbook.com]

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Late Night Political Humor

“Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can’t get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.” – David Letterman

“Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there’s Kate Gosselin.” – David Letterman

“Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ and Palin told Kate that you’re putting your family in danger if you don’t bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there’s always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.” – Craig Ferguson

“Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it’s even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.” – Conan O’Brien

“Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is in jail in Britain and the judge has refused to grant him bail. His attorney says he’s doing fine. I’m sure he is, snitches always do very well in prison.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, ‘You’d better not steal any of our stuff…’ – Jay Leno

“FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, ‘kind of a slow day.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.” – Conan O’Brien

“George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to ‘Elf: The Musical.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just ‘Anderson.’ I think I speak for everyone here at ‘Conan’ when I say, ‘God, what an ego on that guy!'” – Conan O’Brien

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Beck and Call


© Matt Bors

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McCain: it’s all about hate

Is anyone else really really happy that John McCain is not our president? In a few years’ time, McCain has gone from maverick, to loose cannon, to a temper-tantrum throwing brat.

The latest example is the recent vote to end “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Once again, McCain has completely reversed his position. Once in favor of DADT, he flipped over and became one of its strongest opponents. During the debate on Saturday, he burst onto the floor of the Senate, and even though one of his fellow Republicans held the floor, he yelled and waved his arms and then stormed off. Then McCain returned and started yelling again. McCain was upset that he wasn’t given enough time during the debate, so they gave him additional time. But he spent that time making spurious attacks on the supporters of the bill:

“Today is a very sad day,” McCain announced, detailing his continuing opposition to allowing gay and lesbian soldiers to be open about their sexuality.

“There will be high-fives over all the liberal bastions of America,” he predicted, from “the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus” to “the salons of Georgetown” and the “talk shows” where people — “most of whom have never have served in the military” — will crow over the law’s repeal.

Allowing gays to serve openly in the Marines would prove a potentially deadly distraction McCain said, quoting from a Marine Corps Commandant warning, “and I don’t want to permit that opportunity to happen.”

McCain also claimed that the repeal of DADT was “in direct repudiation of the message of the American people” even though polls show overwhelming support for it — a majority of Republicans, conservatives, and even white evangelical Protestants are in favor.

I’ve been completely confused over McCain’s behavior over the last few years as a hardliner, especially after he earned the title of “maverick” by famously bucking president Bush and other Republicans on many key issues. But there may be an explanation:

McCainologists in the Capitol speculate that on this and other issues he’s driven less by policy consideration than by personal animosity. A decade ago, his antipathy toward President George W. Bush led him to seek common cause with Democrats to thwart a Republican president. Now his antipathy toward President Obama has made him a leading Republican hardliner.

In other words, McCain doesn’t care one bit about the issues. It isn’t about whether gays should be able to serve openly in the military. And his opposition to Bush wasn’t about courageously standing up to bad policies. Bush beat McCain for the Republican nomination for president, and Obama beat McCain during the general election.

For McCain, it is all about revenge and hate.

UPDATE: Similar sentiments from Joe Klein:

McCain distinguished himself doubly this weekend, opposing the Dream Act [despite being one of the original sponsors of it] and leading the opposition to “Don’t Ask,” despite the very public positions of his wife and daughter on the other side of the issue. I used to know a different John McCain, the guy who proposed comprehensive immigration reform with Ted Kennedy, the guy — a conservative, to be sure, but an honorable one — who refused to indulge in the hateful strictures of his party’s extremists. His public fall has been spectacular, a consequence of politics — he “needed” to be reelected — and personal pique. He’s a bitter man now, who can barely tolerate the fact that he lost to Barack Obama. But he lost for an obvious reason: his campaign proved him to be puerile and feckless, a politician who panicked when the heat was on during the financial collapse, a trigger-happy gambler who chose an incompetent for his vice president. He has made quite a show ever since of demonstrating his petulance and lack of grace.

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Don’t believe everything the government tells you, even in secret

Just how in bed with the health insurance industry is our government? And just how lazy is our media? I’ll leave it up to you to decide, but I can’t think of any other way to describe this.

On Friday, WikiLeaks released another set of secret State Department cables, including one from a state department official stationed in Havana. Here’s an excerpt from it:

XXXXXXXXXXXX stated that Cuban authorities have banned Michael Moore’s documentary, “Sicko,” as being subversive. Although the film’s intent is to discredit the U.S. healthcare system by highlighting the excellence of the Cuban system, he said the regime knows the film is a myth and does not want to risk a popular backlash by showing to Cubans facilities that are clearly not available to the vast majority of them.

Next, the media picks this up as a story. And not just the US media. Here’s the headline from The Guardian: “WikiLeaks: Cuba banned Sicko for depicting ‘mythical’ healthcare system. Authorities feared footage of gleaming hospital in Michael Moore’s Oscar-nominated film would provoke a popular backlash”.

What I find hilarious about this is that the media somehow just assumes that anything in a US State Department secret cable is true, and runs with it without doing even the slightest amount of fact checking. And in fact, the cable was completely made up. As Moore himself points out, the movie was certainly not banned in Cuba, it was one of the few US movies that was actually shown widely in Cuba, and was even shown on Cuban national TV.

If just one media organization had taken a few seconds and done a simple web search, they could have discovered that the cable was false. Google will even translate the stories from Cuba, if you don’t understand Spanish.

This is something you expect from Fox News, but the same story ran on BoingBoing and Reason (although both later added an update with Moore’s response).

Ok, so we know the media is lazy and worthless, and investigative journalism is dead (let alone simple research). But the real question is where did this false information come from and how did it end up in a State Department cable? We may never know the whole truth, but we do know that the health insurance industry, which had vowed to “push Michael Moore off a cliff” worked with anti-Castro Cubans in Miami in an attempt to smear the film.

Of course, if the media can’t attack Moore because his movie didn’t play in Cuba, I’m sure they will now attack him because his movie did play in Cuba.

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The Other Alternative to Health Insurance Reform


© Nick Anderson

If you are worried about your taxes paying for other people’s health care, don’t worry, you’re already paying for it.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there’s one thing that’s reassuring, it’s seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, ‘I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by … someone.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It was a year ago that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s the only thing in his presidency he hasn’t blamed on George W. Bush.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado Spruce. Republicans don’t believe it’s really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, 51 percent of Americans feel that their lives were better two years ago before President Obama took office. To which President Obama said, ‘Join the club.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is reportedly trying to quit smoking, but he can’t get the 60 votes in the Senate to make it happen.” – Jay Leno

“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration.” – Jimmy Fallon

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The Daily Show is the only US news organization doing its job

And they aren’t even a real news organization, they are a freakin comedy show.

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Richard Stallman on WikiLeaks

[Richard Stallman, who started the free software movement, has an excellent editorial in The Guardian. It is also interesting that this was published in a British newspaper, not an American one. Stallman published it under the Creative Commons license that disallows derivative works, so I’m going to reprint the whole thing.]

The Anonymous WikiLeaks protests are a mass demo against control

The actions against MasterCard and Amazon are not ‘hacking’. People are just finding a way to protest in a digital space

by Richard Stallman

Spanish protesters wear masks of the 'Anonymous' group and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Photograph: Jon Nazca/REUTERS

The Anonymous web protests over WikiLeaks are the internet equivalent of a mass demonstration. It’s a mistake to call them hacking (playful cleverness) or cracking (security breaking). The LOIC program that is being used by the group is prepackaged so no cleverness is needed to run it, and it does not break any computer’s security. The protesters have not tried to take control of Amazon’s website, or extract any data from MasterCard. They enter through the site’s front door, and it just can’t cope with the volume.

Calling these protests DDoS, or distributed denial of service, attacks is misleading, too. A DDoS attack is done with thousands of “zombie” computers. Typically, somebody breaks the security of those computers (often with a virus) and takes remote control of them, then rigs them up as a “botnet” to do in unison whatever he directs (in this case, to overload a server). The Anonymous protesters’ computers are not zombies; presumably they are being individually operated.

No – the proper comparison is with the crowds that descended last week on Topshop stores. They didn’t break into the stores or take any goods from them, but they sure caused a nuisance for the owner, Philip Green. I wouldn’t like it one bit if my store (supposing I had one) were the target of a large protest. Amazon and MasterCard don’t like it either, and their clients were probably annoyed. Those who hoped to buy at Topshop on the day of the protest may have been annoyed too.

The internet cannot function if websites are frequently blocked by crowds, just as a city cannot function if its streets are constantly full by protesters. But before you advocate a crackdown on internet protests, consider what they are protesting: on the internet, users have no rights. As the WikiLeaks case has demonstrated, what we do online, we do on sufferance.

In the physical world, we have the right to print and sell books. Anyone trying to stop us would need to go to court. That right is weak in the UK (consider superinjunctions), but at least it exists. However, to set up a website we need the co-operation of a domain name company, an ISP, and often a hosting company, any of which can be pressured to cut us off. In the US, no law explicitly establishes this precarity. Rather, it is embodied in contracts that we have allowed those companies to establish as normal. It is as if we all lived in rented rooms and landlords could evict anyone at a moment’s notice.

Reading, too, is done on sufferance. In the physical world, you can buy a book with cash, and you own it. You are free to give, lend or sell it to someone else. You are also free to keep it. However, in the virtual world, e-readers have digital handcuffs to stop you from giving, lending or selling a book, as well as licences forbidding that. Last year, Amazon used a back door in its e-reader to remotely delete thousands of copies of 1984, by George Orwell. The Ministry of Truth has been privatised.

In the physical world, we have the right to pay money and to receive money – even anonymously. On the internet, we can receive money only with the approval of organisations such as PayPal and MasterCard, and the “security state” tracks payments moment by moment. Punishment-on-accusation laws such as the Digital Economy Act extend this pattern of precarity to internet connectivity. What you do on your own computer is also controlled by others, with non-free software. Microsoft and Apple systems implement digital handcuffs – features specifically designed to restrict users. Continued use of a program or feature is precarious too: Apple put a back door in the iPhone to remotely delete installed applications and anotherin Windows enabled Microsoft to install software changes without asking permission.

I started the free software movement to replace user-controlling non-free software with freedom-respecting free software. With free software, we can at least control what software does in our own computers.

The US state today is a nexus of power for corporate interests. Since it must pretend to serve the people, it fears the truth may leak. Hence its parallel campaigns against WikiLeaks: to crush it through the precarity of the internet and to formally limit freedom of the press.

States seek to imprison the Anonymous protesters rather than official torturers and murderers. The day when our governments prosecute war criminals and tell us the truth, internet crowd control may be our most pressing remaining problem. I will rejoice if I see that day.

• Copyright 2010 Richard Stallman – released under the Creative Commons Attribution Noderivs Licence

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When at first you don’t succeed, lie, lie again

PolitiFact has picked its 2010 Lie of the Year, and to nobody’s surprise it is “A government takeover of health care” repeated over and over (and over) again by the Republicans in describing Obama’s health care reform bill. PolitiFact had already evaluated statements from Republicans using this phrase five times and rated it a lie every time (and three times a “Pants on Fire” lie).

PolitiFact is not alone. Slate, the NY Times, and even FactCheck.org, which is run by the conservative Annenberg Foundation, have rated it false. So did every expert on health care PolitiFact asked.

And yet, the Republicans continue to use this blatant lie to attack health care reform. For example:

  • more than 90 times on John Boehner’s website
  • eight times in the Republican “A Pledge to America”
  • over 200 times on the Republican National Committee’s website
  • multiple times on the websites of FreedomWorks, the Heritage Foundation, and the Cato Institute

And our lovely US mainstream media isn’t helping. The phrase was repeated:

  • 28 times in the Washington Post
  • 77 times in Politico
  • 79 times on CNN
  • uncountably many times on Fox News

Not only that, but when Republicans repeat the phrase they are almost never challenged by their interviewers. For example, on January 31, John Boehner used this lie five times on Meet the Press, but nobody bothered to challenge him on it.


© Paul Szep

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The Republican Alternative to Obama’s Health Care Reform


© Joel Pett

If the Republicans on the Supreme Court somehow get the individual mandate declared unconstitutional, who says the Republicans in Congress don’t have an alternative plan? The banks can even create a derivatives market for organs!

UPDATE: The Judge’s ruling that the individual mandate is unconstitutional is fatally flawed (even according to conservatives).

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Late Night Political Humor

“According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they’ve already won.” – Conan O’Brien

“WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin’s credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she’s very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin’s accounts. They figured out her password, which was ‘Palin2012.’ They got it on the first guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Thousands of people turned out to see President Obama’s Christmas tree lighting. I knew it would be beautiful. I watched it a couple days ago on WikiLeaks.” – Craig Ferguson

“Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush.” – Jay Leno

“Maroon 5 played at the tree lighting. They were a big deal a couple years ago. Sort of like President Obama.” – Craig Ferguson

“Apparently the president couldn’t decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They’ll tell you what to do.” – Craig Ferguson

“Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.” – Jay Leno

“Because it’s the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don’t be surprised if they leave a candy cane.” –David Letterman

“The Palins and the Gosselins are going camping together on ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska.’ I think they’ll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Chinese government is very upset that a dissident is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. They said that any countries attending the ceremonies will be insulting China. This could be the first war started by a peace prize.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Supreme Death Panel


© Jim Morin

Is it constitutional, or isn’t it? And if we don’t get reform, how many more people will die?

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Late Night Political Humor

“Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.” – David Letterman

“On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let’s extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet.” – David Letterman

“The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed.” – Jay Leno

“So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin.” – David Letterman

“China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab.” – Jay Leno

“According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.” – Jay Leno

“The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can’t we have both?” – David Letterman

“The WikiLeaks founder is being sought by Swedish authorities on charges of sexual assault. He says, if he’s arrested, he’ll release a poison pill of encoded documents, including ones about UFOs. Arrest him. I want to hear about the UFOs.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we’re in third place. We’re still leading in P.E., recess, and shop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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WikiLeaks Leaked Cables, Set to Music

UPDATE: Another musical take on WikiLeaks:

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