Political Irony

[Jokes from Dec. 13, 2016]

“This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked — they didn’t expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Donald Trump met with Kanye West. It’s always cool when two future presidents hang out.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump met with Kanye West today — what an amazing thing to see. Our next two presidents side by side.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Kanye West met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower today. No word on what they interrupted each other about.” – Seth Meyers

“This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit.” – Stephen Colbert

“Kanye tweeted, ‘It’s important to have a direct line of communication with our future president if we truly want change.’ Yeah, that’s great for you, but what about us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The big story today was Trump’s meeting with Kanye West. The two met in Trump’s apartment and then took photos and answered questions in the lobby. When asked what they talked about, Trump had kind of a weird answer: ‘We’re just friends’. Just friends? What happened up in that apartment?” – James Corden

“Kanye needs to stay close to Donald Trump because at this point he’s the only person who can afford to buy his sneakers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney tweeted that it was ‘an honor’ to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, ‘Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?'” – Conan O’Brien

“A friend of Donald Trump’s said that Trump dangled the office of secretary of state to Mitt Romney to ‘torture him’. You can watch the whole thing in the new series ‘White Billionaire Pranks.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia ‘influenced’ the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush.” –Seth Meyers

“Trump announced he’s nominating Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his secretary of state, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, ‘Putin and I aren’t friends,’ while Putin said, ‘That’s SO something Rex would say.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Twitter Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon-Mobil. He announced he’s changing his slogan from ‘drain the swamp’ to ‘fill ‘er up!'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon-Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon-Mobil.” – James Corden

“Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby!” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been named Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of energy. And I have to say, he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was once the president of the Boy Scouts of America. Or as Donald Trump calls that, ‘government experience’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rudy Giuliani said today that he had ‘too much going on’ to accept a cabinet appointment from Donald Trump. Added Giuliani, ‘These pigeons aren’t gonna yell at themselves!'” – Seth Meyers

“These cabinet appointments are something else. I can’t wait to see who he picks to actually be president of this country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There are only 11 shopping days left until Christmas, and only 37 shopping days to fill your doomsday bunker with canned goods before Trump becomes the president.” – James Corden

“A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, ‘There’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it.’ So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from Dec. 12, 2016]

“According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America’s faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump’s faced since Friday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that’s ridiculous — there’s no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He’ll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it’s over, he pops up in the back seat, it’s going to get you again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.” – Seth Meyers

“There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of ‘The Apprentice,’ to plan next month’s inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I’m moving back to England.” – James Corden

“Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose.” – James Corden

“I understand to get to the White House he won an ‘Amazing Race’. Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the ‘Survivor’. Even though, according to the popular vote, he was ‘The Biggest Loser’. But this is ‘The Real World’.” –James Corden

“Trump may be a populist, but we don’t need this type of ‘American Idol’ worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, ‘THE Voice’. Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her ‘Big Brother’. That’s why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’.” – James Corden

“Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is ‘not as bad as I thought he would be.’ Geez buddy, how low were your expectations?” – Seth Meyers

“Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, ‘Well, they’re trying their best.'” – Seth Meyers

“In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from Dec. 7, 2016]

“Donald Trump has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. When he found out, Trump said, ‘That’s all I ever really wanted’, and then he quit public life, never to be heard from again.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ladies and gentlemen, he did it. He won again. Donald Trump has just been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2016. The shocking thing about this is that Time magazine thinks Trump is a person.” – James Corden

“Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It’s none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s 2016 Person of the Year this morning. While Hillary Clinton was named runner-up. And when she heard, Hillary hiked so far into the woods, she’s now living with Bran Stark.” – Seth Meyers

“So anyway, congratulations to Donald Trump, and to the photographer who got him to sit still and not tweet for 30 seconds. That’s the guy who should be Person of the Year this year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The editors of Time magazine voted to make Donald Trump Person of the Year, although to be fair, 2.7 million more editors voted for Hillary Clinton, but the editors from Florida get more votes than editors from Rhode Island. It’s complicated.” – James Corden

“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, Time magazine announced that Donald Trump is the Person of the Year. Then Al Roker said, ‘Now let’s check out the protests happening in YOUR neck of the woods!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I do want to distinguish, it doesn’t necessarily mean BEST Person of the Year, it’s just Person of the Year, although don’t tell Donald Trump that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time’s Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever.” – James Corden

“Some of the people of the year include Gandhi, Stalin, Churchill, Nixon, Putin, Obama, and Hitler. So Trump is definitely fitting in there — you decide where he fits in for yourself.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump won in spite of losing in Time’s online poll to Hillary Clinton. Can she win anything? Really, Hillary’s now just hoping to win a mug that says ‘World’s Best Grandma’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said he has asked President Obama to help recommend some of his appointments. Obama said fine, and recommended Hillary Clinton for president.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Chinese state media called Donald Trump a ‘diplomatic rookie’ who has an ‘inability to keep his mouth shut.’ Or as Trump reported it, ‘They just called me young and outgoing! Thank you CHY-na!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said today that he doesn’t believe that Russia interfered with his election in any way. Well, technically all he said was, ‘Nyet’.” – Seth Meyers

“Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news, and just after the nick of time.” – Seth Meyers

“There are reports that Trump will be getting a Goldendoodle puppy when he takes office. To teach it how to beg and roll over, they actually brought in Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is reportedly considering arriving at his inauguration by helicopter, and so is Chris Christie. ‘Take me with you! I can’t go back to New Jersey!'” – Seth Meyers

“Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski said today that Donald Trump’s presidency will make it OK for people to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again. Corey, we’ve always been allowed to say ‘Merry Christmas’, it’s just no one says it to you.” – Seth Meyers

“A real estate agency that sells apartments inside Trump Tower is advertising the new 24-hour presence of Secret Service agents as a, quote, ‘new amenity’. While they’re advertising the eggs that hit your windows as ‘free grocery delivery’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis has warned the media to stop spreading false information. Or as the media reported it, ‘World’s Top Rabbi Says ‘Keep Up the Good Work!'” – Conan O’Brien