Political Irony

“There are reports that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton has released a 14-song Spotify playlist to go along with her 2016 campaign. The weird part, though, is that it’s just ‘Eye of the Tiger’ 14 times.” – Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, ‘And I’ll be right back with your pancakes.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Jeb Bush announced he’s running for president on Snapchat. By using Snapchat, Bush’s message will disappear after 10 seconds just like the excitement over his campaign.” – Conan O’Brien

“Many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem, you guys.” – Jimmy Fallon

One might even say that he isn’t very gay.

It was bad enough yesterday when the Supreme Court deflected a challenge to Obamacare (over his vigorous dissent), but today it legalized same-sex marriage in the whole country. In Scalia’s dissent to the gay marriage ruling, he quoted from the majority opinion and gave his version of sound legal advice:

Fortunately, history has passed Scalia by. Gay marriage is no threat to our country (it is a boon), and hippies haven’t been called that for a very long time. The new theory is that “Scalia has been a secret goth this whole time”.

“According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from ‘Harry Potter’ actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, ‘He who must not be named’ is more popular than ‘He whose name I forgot’ and ‘What’s her face’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republican candidate Carly Fiorina said that if she becomes president she wants people to be able to take out their phones and vote on ideas during her speeches. Which worked out well for people who already had their phones out during Carly Fiorina’s speeches.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Presidential hopeful Rand Paul warned the media today that if anyone is mean to his wife during the campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. And Hillary Clinton said that if anyone is mean to Bill, that’s totally fine.” – Seth Meyers

“Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan is now a full-time paid staffer on Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. While Tonya Harding was hired to take care of any other Democrats who enter the race.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall.” – Jimmy Fallon

“What a game last night. The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. The next time you’ll see someone fighting this hard for Ohio won’t be until next year’s presidential election.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush is taking his presidential campaign on a tour of Europe. He’s telling Europeans, ‘I like you guys because you’re comfortable having the same family in charge for centuries.'” – Conan O”Brien

“Hillary Clinton has joined Instagram. Meanwhile, her Democratic opponent Bernie Sanders joined telegram.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton joined Instagram this afternoon and somehow she’s already deleted thousands of photos.” – Seth Meyers

“During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. ‘You sure about that?’ said President Barack Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mike Huckabee said he’s the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It’s always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth.” – Conan O’Brien

“Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a ‘rotating first lady.’ Even creepier, he said it on Tinder.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That’s too bad. I was hoping he would run.” – Seth Meyers

“In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said that despite any conflicts the West has no need to be afraid of Russia. Although keep in mind that Putin said that as he was petting a tank.” – Jimmy Fallon